


Anchor

by Loveandcoffeeandothersimplicities



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-26
Updated: 2017-10-06
Packaged: 2018-12-20 05:05:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 24,496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11913819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Loveandcoffeeandothersimplicities/pseuds/Loveandcoffeeandothersimplicities
Summary: What happens when Caitlin returns from being held hostage by Killer Frost but everything she knows is different? Can she survive the terrifying journey or will everything fall apart? Snowbarry.





	1. Chapter 1

Caitlin wasn’t sure how she had lost her way since coming back from Killer Frost but, here she was, confused as ever. Cisco and she hadn’t really been talking, not with how much had changed between them. Plus, he was busy with trying to get Barry out of the speed force, something she understood completely. No, the only person who had truly been helping her fight her demons was Wally. Something that had left her utterly surprised.  
He had come across her sitting in the labs one night after everyone else had gone home. She was in the process of a panic attack (something her therapist had told her would be happening quite frequently), and he had stayed with her until it passed. He hadn’t pressed her for information, but she felt the need to explain it to him. She had told him all about how since she had gone back to being Caitlin, just Caitlin, she had found out that Killer Frost had left consequences she had to deal with. Such as anxiety and depression. She was literally afraid of her own shadow.  
He had stuck by her after that, making sure she had someone who could help her through her anxiety. He had even taken to spending some nights with her at her apartment, sleeping on her couch, when her anxiety would get to the point that she couldn’t breathe. She was grateful for him and his friendship, knowing that out of everyone, he was the only one who hadn’t been afraid of her since she had returned.  
Then, Barry had returned. Quite literally out of the blue. She knew Cisco had been working on trying to find him in the speed force and bring him back at home. She was left feeling out of sorts with his arrival, not sure how he would feel about seeing her back on the team.  
“Remember, Cait, I’m here and you can survive this,” Wally murmured as they waited for Barry and Cisco to emerge from the speed force.  
“I can survive this,” she replied but her hands were shaking so much, she had to tuck them tightly into against her ribcage so no one saw.  
Just then, Barry and Cisco emerged and everyone shouted out happily, trying to get Barry’s attention. Everyone but Caitlin. She was left feeling small and vulnerable, something Wally picked up on because he rubbed soothing circles into the small of her back.  
“Remember to breathe, Cait,” he murmured and she nodded her head. She practiced her box breathing her therapist had taught her. In for four, out for four, hold. In for four, out for four, hold. She repeated this like a mantra in her head and it helped ground her for the most part. Until Barry came and stood directly in front of her.  
“Your hair is brown again,” he commented softly and she nodded her head, trying to fight the impulse to run.  
“It is,” she whispered so he wouldn’t hear her voice shaking. She hated the fact that Killer Frost had left her this damaged and broken; hated the fact that she was so scared all the damn time. Barry’s brow furrowed as he studied her.  
“Are you alright, Cait?” Barry asked softly and the trembling in her legs grew worse. She felt her entire body shaking.  
“F-fine,” she muttered but she wasn’t, not really. Wally noticed because he squeezed her shoulder gently.  
“Good to have you back, Barry,” he clapped him on the shoulder before jerking his head to entrance of the labs.  
“I just need to talk to Caitlin really quick about some of my last test results; we’ll be right back,” he murmured and steered Caitlin towards another room, leaving Barry to frown after them.  
Caitlin shook on the entire walk there, trying to get control of herself.  
“Alright, Cait, just breathe,” Wally encouraged gently once they reached a different part of the labs, away from prying eyes.  
“I-I c-can’t,” she stuttered out but Wally nodded his head.  
“Yes, yes you can,” he murmured. Every fiber in her was screaming to run; to run away and not look back. Wally seemed to pick up on this because he held her arm gently, anchoring her into place.  
“You can’t run away, Caitlin,” he said softly and she nodded her head, eyes darting around the entire room, trying to look for a safe place to hide.  
“I-I can’t breathe,” she exhaled shakily, feeling like the walls of the room were closing in on her. Wally held her hand tightly.  
“Practice that breathing technique your therapist taught you. Follow my lead. In for four, out for four, hold,” he said soothingly, and she tried to follow his count as best she could. It took her awhile to get her breathing regulated but she eventually did. She exhaled shakily once she had it under control.  
“I’m sorry,” she said in a small voice after her heart rate had slowed down. Wally shook his head firmly.  
“Nothing to be sorry for, Cait. I promised you I would help you through all of this, and that means anxiety attacks as well, no matter how small,” he stated and she smiled as much as she could.  
They stood there for a few more minutes, giving her time to collect herself.  
“When’s your next appointment with Carol?” Wally asked softly.  
“This evening,” she murmured, happy that she didn’t have to wait too long to see her again. Wally smiled.  
“Good, I want you to tell her you’re still suffering from panic attacks, alright?” Wally asked quietly and Caitlin nodded her head.  
“I will,” she promised softly. Wally smiled gently at her while she continued to collect herself.  
“Do you need to take your medication?” Wally asked softly and she thought about it. She didn’t want to have to take it, didn’t want to rely on medication but sometimes these things couldn’t be helped.  
“Y-yes,” she said hesitantly and Wally smiled.  
“That’s okay, Cait,” he replied reassuringly. She walked to her bag that she had brought into the room with her and searched through it with fumbling fingers, until they wrapped around her anxiety medication. She pulled a pill out and accepted the water Wally had flashed away to get for her. She took a sip and swallowed the pill, knowing it would help her calm down faster.  
“I’m going to stay with you tonight, alright?” Wally asked softly.  
“You don’t have to,” she murmured but he shook his head.  
“Barry just returned, and considering how you guys left your friendship before he went into the speed force, I understand if that triggers some heavy anxiety; I want to make sure you’re alright,” Wally said quietly. Caitlin thought about it before nodding hesitantly.  
“Alright,” she murmured, knowing that it was as good as it was going to get for her.

Author’s note: just an idea I had about a short story I might do. Let me know if it sounds interesting to you! XOXO


	2. Chapter 2

“Caitlin? Carol is ready for you now,” Macy, the receptionist, told her kindly. Caitlin nodded her head and got up, Wally squeezing her hand for comfort. 

“I’ll be right out here, waiting for you,” he murmured and she nodded her head before making her way into her therapist’s office. Carol smiled warmly at her as she sat down on the sofa that was placed against the wall. 

“Caitlin,” she said and Caitlin dipped her head in acknowledgement. 

“Carol,” she replied softly. The two women looked at each other for a moment before Carol shuffled through her notes.

“Last week, we talked about the progress you had been making with your anxiety. Do you feel like you’ve made any more progress this week?” Carol asked and Caitlin sighed. 

“N-not really,” she stuttered out and Carol looked at her. 

“Why’s that?” Carol asked gently.

“I still have to have help from Wally with my anxiety attacks,” Caitlin mumbled. 

“I know I may have mentioned this before, but there’s nothing wrong with accepting help. Especially from people who don’t seem to mind helping,” Carol said softly. Caitlin turned her round eyes on her.

“I don’t want to make Wally feel like I’m using him,” she said.

“Has he ever said anything like that to you?” Carol asked.

“No but…” Caitlin trailed off as Carol smiled gently at her.

 

“I doubt he feels that way but if it’s something that really is bothersome to you, I suggest you just ask him about it,” Carol said and Caitlin sighed.

“Alright,” she murmured. The rest of the session was spent breaking down her anxiety, getting to the root of the problem: Killer Frost. Caitlin knew she had lucked out on finding a therapist who dealt with cases about meta humans; she could talk freely with Carol and wouldn’t expect any judgement. The session wrapped up and Carol sent her on her way, with Caitlin promising to take her medication as she needed it. 

Wally smiled at her encouragingly when she walked out of the room.

“Hey, Cait,” he murmured and she smiled.

“How did it go?” Wally asked as they made their way outside. Caitlin tightened her sweater around her to fight off the chill. 

“It went well, we just went over my anxiety and things like that,” she murmured, choosing to not tell him about her fears of him having to help her. He squeezed her hand.

“Good,” he replied softly and the conversation was left there for a moment. They got into Caitlin’s car and Caitlin reversed out of the parking lot while Wally fiddled with the radio before landing on some soft music to play as background noise; it instantly helped calm Caitlin down somewhat.

When they reached her apartment, they walked inside in mostly silence; neither one of them feeling the need for mindless chatter.   
Caitlin went and turned on her tea kettle, while Wally ordered from their favorite Chinese restaurant. In next to no time, the food was delivered and they were sitting down to dinner.

“You know I’m proud of you, right, Cait?” Wally asked softly and she looked up at him.

“Proud of me for what?” Caitlin asked. 

“The fact that you’re fighting your demons and accepting help when you need it. I know Killer Frost did a number on you but you’re fighting back, not letting her win,” Wally murmured and Caitlin smiled as much as she could.

“I’m really glad we’re friends, Wally,” she said gratefully and he squeezed her hand.

“Me too, Cait,” he replied. The conversation was left there and it wasn’t long before they were cleaning up and getting ready for bed. 

“Remember, I’m just out here if you need me for anything,” Wally said and Caitlin smiled. 

“Thanks,” she murmured before retiring for the night. She knew she wouldn’t be able to make it through the night without having a nightmare, something that never occurred. She wasn’t disappointed. Halfway through the night she woke up shaking. By the silence in her apartment, it seemed like she hadn’t been screaming or Wally would’ve been in there with her, trying to calm her down. Progress.   
She knew she had no hope of falling back to sleep so just grabbed her journal she had taken to writing in and started writing, trying to ease the anxiety out of her system. She ended up staying up the rest of the night, and when she heard Wally moving around, walked out of her room and into the living room where he was stretching on the couch. 

“Morning,” she murmured and he looked up at her.

“Morning, Cait, how’d you sleep?” Wally asked softly and she shrugged a shoulder.

“Alright,” she replied quietly and he left it there. She jerked her head towards the kitchen.

“I’m going to make a pot of coffee before we head to work,” she stated and he hummed in agreement. 

After they had their coffee and poured it into to go cups, they headed to Star Labs, Caitlin trying to maintain her anxiety at the thought of seeing Barry.  
Once there, they walked into the cortex and spotted everybody almost immediately. Wally rubbed Caitlin’s shoulder discreetly.

“Remember to breathe,” he murmured and she nodded her head.

“Hey, Cait,” Barry said once he spotted her and she dipped her head in his direction.

“Hey, Barry,” she murmured, refusing to make eye contact. She wasn’t sure why Barry caused knots to coil themselves tightly in her belly. She could feel his eyes on her, but she was too nervous to look at him.

“Are you shaking, Cait?” Barry murmured but she shook her head.

“No.” she whispered, trying to blink back the moisture that gathered in the corner of her eyes.

She swallowed nervously and rubbed her sweaty palms on her skirt before glancing pleadingly at Wally. He nodded his head briefly before taking over the conversation.

“We’re glad that you’re back from the speed force,” he said as he clapped Barry on the shoulder. Barry smiled.

“Yeah, me too. I never thought I was going to get out of there,” he laughed and Caitlin cut her eyes to him before looking elsewhere as soon as he made eye contact.

“How about you, Cait? Is everything back to normal now?” Barry asked gently and Caitlin didn’t have to ask to know he was referring to her being Killer Frost.

“Mhm,” she hummed before walking away. She couldn’t stand the fact that she was so scared; couldn’t stand the fact that she was so scared around everyone but Wally, not when Barry and Cisco were her two best friends a little over a year ago. She could feel Barry’s eyes on her as she headed to her computer but she refused to acknowledge him as her hands continued to shake. Wally and Barry continued to exchange some words before they tapered off their conversation and Barry made his way to her.

“Hey, Cait,” he murmured and Caitlin’s shaking grew worse. He placed his hand on hers’ to try and calm the shaking but she jerked it back as if she had been burned. He stared at her.

“Caitlin, what’s wrong?” Barry whispered but Caitlin shook her head, not being able to tell him. He studied her for a long moment before sighing.

“Alright, you don’t have to tell me, I know too much has passed between us to be as close as we once were,” he said, “however, that doesn’t mean I’m not going to build our relationship back to where it once was.”  
Caitlin felt her heart thudding in her chest as she thought about how she had hurt him as Killer Frost; she knew it wasn’t that easy.

“Alright,” she murmured as she squeezed her hands into her rib cage. Barry looked back and forth between her and Wally, who was watching her carefully.

Exhaling shakily, Caitlin knew it would be a long time before she got better, if she ever did.


	3. Chapter 3

Caitlin managed to avoid Barry for the rest of the day as she worked studiously at her lab. She knew they had so much to talk about; so much to relearn about one another. However, she just couldn’t bring herself to talk to him -to ask about how he was doing now that he was out of the speed force. Killer Frost destroyed all her friendships for her. Sighing, she bent her head over her work and continued making steady progress studying Wally’s charts.

“What’s the verdict, doctor?” Wally asked as he walked up behind her, making his presence known before he was even behind her completely. She smiled gratefully.

“Your speed is amazing, and you’re healthy as a horse. Keeping doing all of your assignments and follow the diet I gave you and you may even outrun Barry,” she murmured and Wally grinned victoriously.

“Knew it was only a matter of time,” he laughed. She rolled her eyes fondly and looked over his shoulder when she heard laughter. Barry, Cisco, and Iris were all walking into the cortex, and she dropped her head quickly, not wanting to make eye contact with any of them. Wally noticed her reaction immediately and squeezed her shoulder.

“Hey, guys,” he greeted and the three of them made their way over to where Caitlin and Wally were standing. Caitlin’s breathing hitched at the thought of how many people were around her but Wally directed the conversation off her.

“How does it feel to be back, man?” Wally asked Barry and the speedster laughed.

“Like I never left,” he said lightly. He looked at Iris and smiled, who smiled back. Caitlin watched them out of the corner of her eye and bit back a sigh. What she would give to have a love like theirs’. She knew that was impossible however, now that Ronnie was gone. She thought that Jay could be that guy for a fleeting moment until he showed his true colors. And then when Killer Frost held her hostage inside her own body, well, things hadn’t exactly looked up for Caitlin. She didn’t think they ever would.

“Cait? Caitlin, can you hear me?” A voice brought Caitlin out of her musings and she glanced up.

“Hmm?” Caitlin asked as she looked around at all the faces that were peering at her. She felt fear coil tightly in her belly. 

“I said, how have you been?” Barry asked and Caitlin looked at him before cutting her eyes to Wally, who nodded his head encouragingly.

“I’ve been alright,” she murmured and left the conversation there, practicing her box breathing her therapist had taught her. Would she ever stop being afraid of people? She wasn’t sure.

“Well, you’ve got to be doing a lot better now that you’re not evil anymore,” Cisco said lightheartedly and Caitlin felt her heart clench. She knew he was teasing, that he didn’t mean any harm by it, but it was still like a knife twisting in her gut. She nodded her head curtly.

“Something like that,” she muttered as she closed Wally’s chart and placed it back in her desk drawer.

“You’re good to go, Wally,” she murmured and he smiled at her.

“Thanks,” he replied. Iris stared between the two of them for a moment.

“I didn’t realize you two were that good of friends,” she remarked and Caitlin blinked. 

“Uh, we just sort of…” Caitlin trailed off as she realized she had no idea how to try and start explaining just why the two of them had grown closer. How did she explain about her panic attacks that kept her up during the middle of the night? How did she explain that she was surviving on about two hours of sleep each night, if she was lucky? How did she explain that Wally took her to all her therapy appointments and let her cry frustrated tears when it seemed like she wasn’t make any progress? Her heart was beating impossibly fast, echoing in her eardrums. She felt her palms begin to sweat and her legs begin to shake. How did she explain that Killer Frost had taken so much away from her and only Wally knew the extent of it?

“Cait?” Wally asked but his voice sounded far away, as if he was speaking to her from the other side of a tunnel. She blinked her eyes rapidly as she continued to shake.

“W-Wally,” she whispered and he understood exactly what was happening at the same moment she did. 

“Alright, Cait, you’re having a panic attack,” Wally said calmly and Caitlin wasn’t sure why he wasn’t freaking out like her.

“I-I-I…” she couldn’t even get a full sentence out. She watched as Barry eased closer to her, looking like he was going to try and offer help. She wished he wouldn’t. 

“Barry, don’t,” Wally advised and Barry stopped as he looked at him in confusion.

“She needs a friend,” Barry stated and Wally nodded.

“Right. Which is why I need to be the one to help her, not you,” Wally explained as he walked over to Caitlin. She continued to shake as her breathing grew irregular.

“Practice your box breathing, Cait,” Wally murmured as he pushed a chair towards her and eased her down into it.

“I-I c-can’t,” she gasped but he nodded his head and squeezed her hand.

“Yes, you can; in for four, out for four, hold. Follow me.” Wally started the box breathing and Caitlin watched him, trying desperately to follow his lead. Eventually, she could catch on and she ended up leading the breathing technique after she got her breathing under control. Finally, her breathing returned to normal and all that was left as a reminder of her attack was her shaking hands. She tucked them tightly into her rib cage.

Everyone was silent for several long moments before Cisco spoke up.

“What the hell was that, Cait?” Cisco breathed out and she looked at him.

“Nothing,” she whispered.

“Obviously something,” Barry argued but she was adamant.

“I don’t want to talk about it. I’ve got to go. I’ll see you all tomorrow,” she muttered and all but fled to the entrance of Star Labs and out of the building.

“Idiot,” Caitlin grumbled to herself as she realized Wally had driven them there that morning, her therapist thinking it a good idea for someone else to be behind the wheel for the time being. She stopped as she thought over her options.

“Need a ride?” A soft voice asked and Caitlin spun around to see Barry standing several paces away from her. He held up his hands as she gasped.

“Easy, Cait, I didn’t mean to scare you,” he soothed and she nodded her head as her heart rate climbed back down.

“I know,” she muttered. She glanced around, wondering if Wally could give her a ride. As if knowing where her thoughts were, Barry cleared his throat.

“Wally and Iris are catching up, now that I’m back. She said she hadn’t really gotten to spend much time with him because she was focused on me coming home,” Barry murmured and Caitlin nodded her head tightly. That was partly true; the other part to that statement was that Wally was too busy making sure Caitlin was alright, too. Barry was just too nice to say that.

“C’mon Cait, let me give you a ride home,” he murmured. Caitlin looked at him uneasily, but knew there really was no other option but to walk or call a cab and she didn’t want to do either one of those things.

“Don’t set my shirt on fire,” she sighed and Barry chuckled as he held his arms open.

“May I?” Barry asked and she nodded after another moment’s hesitation and he swung her into his arms.

“Hold on,” he murmured. She squeezed her eyes shut and then, faster than she could think, they were off, as if they had never been there to begin with.


	4. Chapter 4

Once Barry and Caitlin made it back to her apartment, Barry placed her down on the ground and Caitlin smiled hesitantly at him.

“Thanks for the ride, Barry,” she murmured, hoping her anxieties weren’t written across her face. Barry studied her for a long moment before smiling softly. 

“May I come in for a few minutes?” Barry asked and Caitlin felt her heart thump unevenly. 

“Uh…” she trailed off, unsure as to what she needed to do in this situation. Barry noticed her hesitation and smiled gently. 

“I just want to talk for a few minutes - to catch up a bit. If you feel more comfortable talking out in the hallway, that’s fine, too,” Barry murmured and Caitlin felt relief course through her veins. 

“Thanks,” she muttered and leaned her back against the wall as she looked at him curiously. 

“What did you want to talk about?” Caitlin asked softly. 

“Your panic attack,” Barry responded immediately and Caitlin felt her heart clench.

“Why?” Caitlin asked in a panicked whisper. Barry went to go squeeze her shoulder but stopped when she cringed away from him.

“Caitlin, what is going on with you?” Barry murmured with a frown and Caitlin squeezed her eyes shut tightly. She began to take steadying breaths to calm her erratically beating heart. 

“I-I don’t know how to explain it,” she muttered once she had control over herself once again.

“Try, please,” Barry said quietly. She stared at him for a long moment before sighing.

“W-when I was being controlled by Killer Frost, what none of you knew was that I was fighting her back every day,” Caitlin began shakily and Barry just watched her. 

“I was trying to gain control again, to show you guys that I was still there,” she muttered. She thought over to all the times she tried to fight for control - to fight to be free again. Her hands started shaking and she tucked them tightly against her rib cage. 

“I should’ve done more to help you,” Barry said softly but she just shrugged a shoulder.

“You were busy making sure Iris was okay,” Caitlin replied and she knew that that was a low blow, even if she didn’t necessarily mean for it to be one. Barry frowned.

“Cait…” Barry began but she shook her head quickly.

“It’s fine,” she muttered as she went to go unlock her door. “I’m fine. Really. Please just go back to your friends and make sure they’re okay.”

Barry placed his hand on her shoulder and she stilled. 

“They’re your friends, too,” he reminded her gently and she almost laughed. Almost. Instead she just nodded her head shortly and waited for him to remove his hand from her shoulder. Eventually, he did.

“Get some sleep, alright?” Barry murmured and she sighed.

“Alright,” she whispered. It wasn’t even a moment later that he was backing away from her completely, giving her space.

“Will I see you tomorrow at Star Labs?” Barry asked hopefully.

“Maybe,” she muttered.

“Take care of yourself, Cait,” Barry murmured and Caitlin nodded her head before he turned on his heel and walked off. She watched until he made it down to the end of the hall and then disappeared completely. 

Exhaling shakily, she made her way into her apartment and locked the door securely behind her, pressing her body against it as she did so.  
She stood with her back against the door for several minutes, thinking over her conversation with Barry. How dare he try and figure out why she had anxiety; how dare he try and get her to talk about Killer Frost. She swiped at her eyes angrily as they filled up with moisture. She wasn’t sure what he was playing at, trying to declare that they were friends but she knew she couldn’t believe him. Besides, he already had his hands full with Iris; he didn’t have time for more friends. 

Sighing, she made her way into her kitchen and made herself a cup of hot tea to help fight off the chill she was feeling. Thinking for only a moment longer, she quickly made herself a sandwich, too, knowing Wally would be pleased if she ate something. Then she made her way to her kitchen table and sat down, feeling an ache in her bones as she did so. 

As she ate her meal, she thought over all the ways she had changed. She once was a carefree woman, who had been through some traumatic experiences but still loved life. She lived each day fully and trusted everyone. Now? She only trusted two people: Wally and her therapist. And that was only because they had worked hard to earn her trust, showing her that they weren’t going to go anywhere, nor give up on her. 

Eventually, her phone dinged, alerting her to a notification. Pulling it towards her, she looked at it hesitantly.

Saw that you left – want me to come over tonight? -Wally 

Caitlin sighed in relief when she realized it wasn’t Barry or anyone else who had texted her. She typed out a quick response, saying that she was fine and she was just going to call it an early night. She put her phone away after that and went to her sink where she washed and dried her dishes before putting them away. Then she made her way to her bathroom and began getting ready for another long, sleepless night. 

After she was completely ready for bed, she went to go make herself one more cup of hot tea, then crawled into her bed and pulled her journal towards her. She spent the next hour writing everything about her day, going over her feelings of how she felt about Barry being there and trying to dissect why she got so angry with him when he said they were all her friends, too. Eventually, she put her journal down, turned off her light, and tried to sleep some. 

It was only two hours later that she woke up from the grips of a terrifying nightmare. She shook as she tried to slow down her heart rate, thinking over the dream. Killer Frost was in it, as was Jay, which surprised her – she hadn’t dreamt about him in a long time. Sighing, she flipped on her light and looked around her room. She was alone, no one there to hurt her. Knowing sleep was a hopeless cause, she swung her legs out of her bed and got up, before making her way to her kitchen, with her journal tucked underneath her arm. She made herself another cup of tea, before she made her way to her living room, and eased herself down on the couch. She spent the rest of the early hours writing before deciding to get ready for another long day at work. 

Once she was ready, she made herself a cup of coffee to go and left, knowing Wally would have something to say about the bags underneath her eyes. Sighing, she prepared herself for what was to come.


	5. Chapter 5

Once Caitlin made it to Star Labs, she headed inside to the cortex, hoping against hope Wally wasn’t there yet so she had some time to hide the bags underneath her eyes. No such luck. As soon as she walked into the cortex, she was flagged down almost immediately by Wally. Sighing, she made her way to him, sipping occasionally out of her coffee as she went.

“Morning Ca-god, how much sleep did you get last night?” Wally asked and Caitlin frowned tiredly. 

“Not enough,” she mumbled as she took another sip of coffee. Wally squeezed her shoulder gently.

“Cait, you’ve got to at least try and sleep longer than an hour a night,” he murmured.

“Oh, but I did. Last night I got two hours of sleep,” Caitlin smirked and Wally rolled his eyes.

“Your sarcasm is cute, Cait,” he deadpanned and the two friends shared a chuckle. Just then, Cisco and Barry entered the cortex and Wally squeezed her shoulder again.

“Deep breaths, Cait,” he said softly and she smiled tightly.

“Alright,” she replied as the two friends made their way to the center of the cortex where everyone else was.

“Hey, Cait,” Barry grinned softly at her and she dipped her head in acknowledgement. 

“Hello, Barry,” she replied without necessarily making eye contact, something he picked up on. 

“Can you look at me?” Barry asked softly. She cut her eyes to Wally who nodded his head encouragingly and she sighed before looking at Barry briefly. He was smiling gently at her. She smiled as much as she could before looking elsewhere. Just then, Iris walked in, causing a distraction as everyone but Caitlin looked up. It gave Caitlin a chance to calm herself and get a grip. 

“Hey, guys,” Iris greeted and they all but Caitlin returned her greeting. Caitlin took a sip of her coffee, trying to ignore her fumbling fingers. 

“Are you feeling better, Caitlin?” Iris asked and Caitlin dared to look at her before looking away.

“What do you mean?” Caitlin mumbled and Iris chuckled.

“I mean from yesterday?” Iris clarified gently and Caitlin nodded tightly.

“Yes,” she muttered and Iris was wise enough to not push the topic. Caitlin exhaled slowly and focused on her breathing. It only took a moment to get herself calmed down and she smiled briefly at Wally who returned the smile with a grin of his own. 

She looked at her now empty coffee cup and headed over to the coffee machine that sat in the corner of the cortex. Once there, she poured herself another cup. She felt someone come stand behind her and knew it wasn’t Wally. She gripped the coffee pot tighter as she took a steadying breath. Eventually, she turned around and came face to face with Cisco. Heart thudding in her chest, she looked at him for a second before glancing around the cortex. 

“Yes?” Caitlin asked, desperate to keep the shaking out of her voice. She felt Cisco’s eyes on her for a long moment before he cleared his throat.

“Nothing, Cait. Just wanted to make sure you were okay?” Cisco asked. She felt fear coil tightly in her belly and had to grip her coffee cup tighter so it didn’t fall from her shaking hands. Cisco noticed her coffee cup shaking and tried to place a hand on her wrist but she pulled her hands back into herself as if she had been burned.

“I’m f-fine,” she stuttered, trying to ignore the harsh thumping of her heart against her rib cage. Cisco studied her for a long moment before sighing.

“Look, Cait, I-I just wanted to say that I’m sorry,” he murmured and Caitlin frowned uneasily.

“Sorry for what?” Caitlin whispered without looking at him. He took it in his stride, however.

“Sorry for not being there for you the way a real friend should,” he muttered and Caitlin felt her eyebrows knit together in confusion but she still couldn’t force herself to look at him. He carried on as if she were, though. 

“I should’ve been there for you when you came back from being Killer Frost,” he murmured and Caitlin felt her heart clench. She couldn’t talk about this; wouldn’t talk about this. She took a long drink of her coffee to give her time to think over her words. Cisco waited patiently for her. 

“It’s fine – I’ve got to go,” she muttered before walking away from him. She heard him say something but was too determined to get away from the suffocating feeling that the room took on. Caitlin looked at Wally as she walked out and he had the decency to give her some space. She ended up in the pipeline, looking for some peace and quiet to help clear her mind. 

She eased herself against the wall and slid to the ground, tucking her feet up into her chest and wrapping her arms around her legs. She looked around, remembering the time they had locked her in there and sighed. That had terrified her more than she cared to admit. Sure, Killer Frost was still controlling her but Caitlin remembered fighting back against her and wanting to shout at her friends to let her out; that she was sorry and she was scared. She shook her head to rid herself of the thoughts – rehashing the past wasn’t going to help her attain peace any faster. 

She focused on her box breathing that Carol had taught her and was able to combat her anxiety without needing to take her medication, something that she was proud of. However, she knew that if she was still in the presence of anyone but Wally, she’d most likely have to end up taking her medication. She sighed as she realized she was literally scared of everyone and everything. She wasn’t sure when she had turned into this person – this person who was so afraid, afraid to the point where she was even afraid of herself. Just then, she heard someone clear their throat softly and she snapped her head up, heart hammering in her throat. 

Barry was standing there, holding his hands up.

“It’s okay, Cait,” he murmured and she tried to slow down her heart rate.

“Can…can I come in?” Barry asked softly and she thought about it before nodding her head. 

“Yes,” she whispered and he walked into the pipeline and eased himself down on the floor next to her. She scooted over a bit and he didn’t question it. 

“What are you thinking about?” Barry asked softly. 

“Everything,” she murmured after a moment’s worth of deliberation.

“Care to share?” Barry pressed on gently and she sighed. She thought it over for a moment before nodding her head.

“I-I’m just mainly thinking about the time you guys locked me in the pipeline when Killer Frost took over,” she muttered and watched as Barry frowned out of the corner of her eye.

“Why are you thinking about that, Cait?” Barry asked softly.

“At the time, it was like there was a battle going on inside of me with two different people: Killer Frost and myself. Killer Frost was winning but I was still inside, trying to fight to gain power back over myself. I wanted to tell you guys that I was trying to come back and that I was scared,” she murmured, looking at the floor as the memories washed over her. Barry hesitantly reached for her hand but stopped when she tucked them into herself.

“You don’t have to be scared of me, Caitlin,” he murmured and she chuckled humorlessly. 

“In case you have noticed, Barry, I’m scared of everything,” she whispered. Barry didn’t say anything for a moment, and neither did Caitlin. She got lost in memories of the past before Barry cleared his throat softly.

“I’m sorry you were still fighting to come back when we locked you in here,” he murmured and Caitlin shrugged a weary shoulder. Her bones ached so damn much with the fear she felt but she’d be damned if she let Barry Allen know that.

“Its fine,” she muttered. “You were doing what you thought was best.”

Barry frowned. “I still should’ve fought harder for you.”

“You were concerned about Iris,” she mumbled. 

“How are you two?” Caitlin asked after a pause, unsure if she really needed to ask.

Barry ran a hand over his face and sighed. 

“I’m not sure,” he muttered and Caitlin looked at him for a moment before looking back down. “I mean, the speed force made me think about some things.”

She hummed but left the conversation there, suddenly too tired to be talking about anything. She closed her eyes and sighed. 

“You look like you haven’t slept in a while,” Barry commented softly and she shrugged a shoulder. 

“I’m surviving,” she muttered with her eyes still closed. They were silent for a few moments and Caitlin felt her lids grow even more heavy. Barry noticed.

“Why don’t you sleep some and I’ll stay down here with you?” Barry asked softly and she forced herself to open her eyes as she looked at him briefly. 

“It’s okay, I’ll just sleep tonight,” she said but Barry saw right through her lie. 

“I don’t think you’re sleeping that much when you’re at home, Cait,” he said gently and she sighed. He was right, of course he was right. She just didn’t want to admit that.

“It’s okay to sleep, Cait,” he soothed her and after another moment’s hesitation, she nodded her head slowly.

“Alright,” she whispered as she closed her eyes. It wasn’t too long before she succumbed to her tiredness, not quite feeling completely safe, but feeling a bit better than she had previously.


	6. Chapter 6

Caitlin wasn’t sure exactly how long she slept for; all she knew was she was being dragged back to consciousness by a gentle voice singing. Opening her eyes and staring around her tiredly, she tried to remember where she was. Then she spotted Barry looking at her and he smiled softly when their eyes met.

“Welcome back,” he murmured and she sat up, realizing she was much too comfortable to still have been on the floor in the pipeline. It was then that she realized she was in a bed. 

“I brought you up to a bed in the medical bay,” Barry said softly as she rubbed her eyes to rid them of any sleep that was still left over. She nodded her head.

“T-thanks,” she stammered and he smiled gently at her.

“You don’t have to be nervous; nor do you have to thank me,” Barry said quietly and Caitlin sighed. She wished it was as simple as not being afraid.

“It’s not that easy, Barry,” she muttered as she pushed herself into a sitting position, before eventually standing up. 

“I really should get home,” she added as she tightened her sweater around her.

“At least let me give you a ride home?” Barry implored and she frowned.

“I was just going to drive…” she trailed off as he shook his head quickly.

“Cait, it’s one in the morning and you’re dead on your feet; it’s safer if you just leave your car here over night and I’ll flash you back later to get it,” he replied softly and she thought it over before sighing and nodding hear head. 

“Alright, you win,” she muttered and he laughed quietly.

“Victory,” he murmured and placed his hand on the small of her back but withdrew it almost immediately when she flinched.

“S-sorry,” she stuttered. “Don’t like being touched.” 

He simply nodded his head and didn’t raise any objections, allowing her to lead the way outside. Once there, he paused and looked at her.

“I have to lift you to get you home,” he murmured and she sighed as she thought over her options. Knowing the only two options she had was to drive or walk when she was exhausted, she admitted defeat and allowed him to scoop her into his arms. She tucked her head underneath his chin, trying to ignore the thumping of her heart. He secured her in his arms and the next moment, they were off, at an alarming rate. She kept her eyes firmly shut and prayed she wouldn’t throw up on him. Then, quicker than lightening, they were outside of her apartment and Barry was setting her gently down on the ground.  
“Here we are,” he murmured and she released the death grip she had around his neck and took a few steps away from him. She straightened out her shirt and tucked her hair behind her ears before glancing around, making sure no one had seen them. 

“No one’s out here, Cait, I promise,” Barry said softly and she bit her lip as she realized she had been caught. She sucked in a wavering breath before tightening her sweater around her more securely.

“T-thanks for the ride,” she murmured as she pulled out her keys. She hesitated for a moment, unsure if she was supposed to offer him to come inside and have something to drink or not. She wasn’t sure she was ready for anyone but Wally to be back in her apartment but she knew that he had just most likely saved her some energy by taking her home. She sighed.

“Would you like to come in for a moment?” Caitlin whispered as she looked down, refusing to make eye contact with him. Barry placed his hand on her shoulder and she worked hard to not flinch away from him. When she was sure she wasn’t about to wrench herself out his grasp, she looked up at him.

“Do you want me to come in, Cait?” Barry asked quietly, making it known that the choice was hers’. She thought it over for a moment before biting her lip.

“Maybe for….one cup of tea,” she said cautiously and he smiled.

“Then I’ll come in for one cup of tea,” he agreed softly. She stared around for a moment longer before nodding her head and unlocking her door. She ushered him in before shutting it and locking it quickly behind her. 

“I’ll get the kettle going,” she muttered as she made her way to the kitchen. “You can sit at the table if you’d like.”

He didn’t raise any objections and just sat down wordlessly as she busied herself with the kettle. It wasn’t too long before she had two steaming cups of tea in her hands and she made her way towards him, handing over his tea as she did so. He accepted it with a word of thanks. 

When she was seated next to him, she wrapped her hands tightly around the warm mug for two reasons. One, to keep herself warm, and two, to stop the tremors that still coursed through her fingers. He seemed to pick up on the second reasoning because he hesitantly placed his hand on hers’. She inhaled sharply but didn’t withdraw it, not finding the energy to do so. She looked up at him and saw that he was watching her in concern.

“What’s got you so afraid in your own apartment, Cait?” Barry asked gently and she thought about acting like she didn’t know what he meant, then realized he’d see right through that so sighed.

“This is the first time that anyone other than Wally has been inside of my apartment since I’ve been…back,” she muttered and knew he’d pick up on the meaning behind her words.  
Barry looked at her for a moment and she squeezed her cup harder, hoping the trembling would grow fainter. 

“I’m glad you have Wally as a friend but you know I’m here for you too, right?” Barry asked and Caitlin snorted disbelievingly. 

“You don’t have to lie to me, Barry,” she whispered but he squeezed her hand gently.

“Look at me,” he murmured and she inhaled shakily before locking eyes with him.

“I am not lying to you, Cait,” he murmured. “I wasn’t there for you when Killer Frost took over, too absorbed with Savitar and not being able to stop him. I forgot what it must’ve been like for you, to be held captive in your own body.”

Caitlin squeezed her eyes tightly shut as she thought over his words. She was a captive in her own body; a prisoner against a merciless woman. 

She shrugged a shoulder as a tear leaked out and she wiped it away with shaking fingers. 

“It’s fine. She’s gone now and I have my power dampening cuffs back on. It was the first thing Wally and I sorted out when Cisco and the rest of the team were busy looking for you,” she muttered. She traced one of the cuffs with her thumb, playing with the metallic surface. She hadn’t been able to find the necklace that Julian had yanked off her when her heart stopped; nor did she particularly want to. It reminded her of happier times with Cisco and the rest of the team. No, the dampening cuffs were working just fine.

The pair fell silent as they continued to drink their tea. Caitlin got absorbed in thoughts that she didn’t really want to think about. Killer Frost swirling around her mind, the nightmare with Jay, everything that seemed to trigger her and her emotions. She sighed as she placed her cup back down.

“I’m getting pretty tired,” she murmured and Barry nodded his head as he stood up.

“Alright, Cait,” he replied softly. They looked at each other for a moment, with Caitlin wrapping her sweater tightly around herself to protect herself. She watched as he raised his hand, hesitated, and then tucked her hair gently behind her ear. She was surprised it didn’t make her heart run rampant. 

“I’ll be back later to give you a ride to Star Labs. Please try to sleep some,” Barry murmured.

“I will,” she whispered. He looked like he wanted to say something else but contented himself with a smile and then he pulled his hand away, and was walking towards the door. She followed him wordlessly and showed him out. As soon as he was gone, she locked the door, securing herself inside her home, before making her way to her bedroom where another nightmare filled night was waiting for her with open arms.


	7. Chapter 7

Caitlin woke up even more exhausted than she had been when she had gone to sleep the night before. And only after an unrestful couple of hours of sleep at that. Sighing, she got up and made her way to her kitchen, where she began brewing coffee. As was tradition, once her coffee was made, she sat down on her chair in her living room and began writing in her journal, taking occasional sips of coffee. She had been writing for as long as she could remember, and that hobby only strengthened when she was released from being a prisoner inside her own body. Eventually, she closed her journal with a snap and poured herself a second cup of coffee before going to get ready for the day. 

It wasn’t too long after she was ready that she heard a soft knock on the door. Heart in her throat, she made her way towards the door and peeked out of the peep hole. Barry was standing outside of her door. Sighing, she tightened her sweater around her and opened her door. 

“Hey,” she murmured.

“Hello,” he replied quietly and then took the time to study her. “So, you clearly didn’t get any sleep last night if those bags are anything to go by.”

Caitlin shrugged a shoulder tiredly. “I slept at some point yesterday, that’s good enough for me.”

“Why aren’t you sleeping during the night, Cait?” Barry asked softly and she sighed as she deliberated if she should be honest with him or not. 

“Nightmares,” she mumbled sheepishly as she decided to throw caution to the wind and be honest. After all, her therapist had told her to try and make friends outside of Wally. Barry ran a hand over his face as he sighed.

“Killer Frost?” Barry murmured.

“Some nights. Some nights Jay. Some nights both.” Caitlin replied quietly. 

“Jay?” Barry asked hesitantly and Caitlin sighed, knowing he wouldn’t understand. Not really. 

“It doesn’t matter, I’m dealing with it,” she muttered as she went back to her kitchen, wordlessly giving him permission to follow her. Once they were in the kitchen, she jerked her head towards the coffee pot. 

“Fresh coffee, creamers in the fridge,” she murmured as she pulled down a mug for him, if he so wished to use it. 

After feeling his eyes on her for a moment, Caitlin sighed in relief as he went about making himself a cup of coffee instead of asking her anymore questions. She eased her tired body into her kitchen table chair, sipping out of her coffee as she got lost in her thoughts. That happened often, lately. Some thought, (typically a sad or frustrated one), would occupy all her attention until she lost the sense of time altogether. She remembered spending one Saturday just sitting in her chair, not moving; just thinking about the events of the past year. That had lasted for hours on end before Wally showed up and literally hammered on her door, demanding her to let him in so he could see for himself that she was alright. 

She also remembered another time when she sat in her therapist’s office for an hour, just crying. Not even talking. That’s when the word depression had started being used. Caitlin knew it fit her perfectly, but she still didn’t say anything to anyone but Wally. Carol had also said some days her depression would be passed the point of tears; she was right, of course. Caitlin seemed to be in a pain passed tears some days. Some days, she would just sit there, numb to everything. More often, those were the days Wally stuck to her like glue. Those days, and the days when her anxiety stretched out before her for miles, like an endless ocean.  
She heard Barry pull out the chair next to her, alerting her to his presence as he sat down next to her. 

“Want to walk me through your nightmare about Jay?” Barry asked softly. Caitlin shook her head.

“Nothing to talk about; same nightmare, different night sort of thing,” she murmured as she stared unseeingly into her coffee cup. She felt Barry place his hand gently over hers’ and she just didn’t have the damn energy to wrench it away from him. He smiled as soon as he saw that she wasn’t going to do that.

“Progress,” he murmured. 

“Too tired to move my hand away,” she countered with a dry chuckle. She sighed as she took a sip of her hot beverage. Barry watched her before clearing his throat. 

“Would you like it if I stayed here a couple of nights out of the week?” Barry asked hesitantly and she lifted her eyes to his’ and saw nothing but concern swimming in his orbs. She shook her head. 

“Wally already does that, it’s fine. Besides, wouldn’t Iris be mad?” Caitlin asked. It was his turn to laugh humorlessly.

“Iris...” he trailed off with a sigh and she watched him.

“What?” Caitlin asked softly when it looked like he wasn’t going to follow up with anything else to that statement. 

“We’re…. not sitting in the best place,” he muttered. Caitlin stared at him for a long moment. 

“Why not?” Caitlin asked, 

“The speed force made me reconsider some things,” he said simply and Caitlin looked at him skeptically. 

“It made you reconsider your engagement to the woman you’ve been in love with ever since you knew how to love someone?” Caitlin repeated back to him, wondering if it sounded as crazy to him as it did to her.  
He chuckled.

“Yeah, stupid, I know. I can’t explain it. I’m just not the same person from before I went into the speed force. Does that make sense?” Barry asked. 

Caitlin thought it over for a moment before nodding her head.

“It does,” she confirmed. “After all, I’m not the same person I was before you went into the speed force, either.”

Barry looked at her for a long moment before dipping his head in agreement.

“No, you’re not. And that’s not a bad thing,” he murmured.

“Except, I’m literally afraid of my own shadow. I think you’re forgetting about that minuscule detail,” she stated dryly. 

Barry squeezed her hand. “We’ll get you back to who you once were, before all of this happened.”

“I don’t think it’s that easy,” she muttered as she finally withdrew her hand and tucked them against her rib cage. 

“I’ll make sure it’ll be that easy,” Barry promised with conviction. She stared at him for a long moment, wanting to believe him more than anything else. She also knew how bad off she was. She sighed. 

“We should head to work. I need my car for today,” she changed the topic. Barry nodded his head as he stood up.

“Is it alright if I pick you up now?” Barry checked. 

Caitlin drained the last of her coffee before giving him the go ahead. Next moment, he had swung her easily into his arms, feet dangling over the crook of his elbow. 

“Hold on,” he murmured. She tightened her grip around him and then they were off, nothing reminding them that they were even there in the first place.


	8. Chapter 8

When Barry had flashed them to Star Labs, he placed Caitlin down onto the ground and she tucked her arms into her rib cage, glancing around. 

“No one saw us, Cait,” Barry murmured and she shook her head.

“That’s not why I’m looking around,” she muttered and watched as Barry tilted his head to the side in confusion.

“Then what or who are you looking for?” Barry asked. Caitlin deliberated telling him the truth – how she would still see Killer Frost lurking in the dark shadows. Or, on her worst days, how she’d see both Jay and Killer Frost. Not wanting to have to explain what she meant in detail, she just shrugged a shoulder.

“It’s nothing; let’s head inside,” she replied and began making her way to the building. Once she got inside, she headed to the cortex where she knew everybody else would be. As soon as she stepped inside the cortex, Wally came bounding up to her.

“There you are, Cait, thank God,” he murmured as he hugged her gently. She returned his embrace.

“What happened?” Caitlin whispered, fear coiling tightly in her stomach. Wally shook his head quickly.

“Nothing, I just didn’t see you yesterday and then your car was still here when I got here this morning. I didn’t know where you were but didn’t want to send out a search party just yet,” Wally muttered and Caitlin smiled as much as she could.

“Thank you for being concerned, Wally,” she murmured. Wally just squeezed her shoulder gently in response. Caitlin tucked some hair behind her ear as she glanced around at everyone else in the room, suddenly feeling nervous. Wally picked up on her nerves and steered the conversation away from her.

“So, no meta human activity, yet,” he told Barry and Caitlin watched as Barry nodded his head.

“Good, we can afford to have a bit of a break right now,” he replied. Caitlin realized she couldn’t have agreed more with that statement. She nodded her head slightly as she made her way towards the coffee pot. Once there, she poured herself a cup and stood off to the side, getting lost in her thoughts yet again. 

Killer Frost seemed to control all her thoughts. Every time she found herself slipping into the dark abyss that is her mind, Killer Frost was always at the forefront of her mind. Awake, asleep, somewhere in between – it didn’t matter. The woman controlled everything in Caitlin’s life. Sighing, she took a sip of her coffee, hoping the hot beverage would help clear her mind a bit.   
It was then that she felt a tap on her shoulder as someone cleared their throat. Gasping softly, she whirled around to find herself face to face with Cisco.

“Easy, Cait,” he soothed as her heart hammered against her rib cage. She took deep, steadying breaths to calm down her erratically beating heart as she stared at him.

“W-what?” Caitlin asked in a trembling voice, hoping her palms weren’t about to start sweating. She set down her coffee mug just in case they did.

“I…I just wanted to see how you were doing today?” Cisco asked softly and Caitlin squeezed her eyes shut as her legs started trembling.

“’I’m fine,” she whispered, too afraid to speak any louder in fear that her voice would betray her. 

“You’re clearly not if that’s the reaction I get when asking how you’re doing,” Cisco murmured and Caitlin sighed. She opened her eyes cautiously as she stared around. She wasn’t sure if she wanted someone to come to her aid or if she wanted the ground to swallow her, both seemed more appealing than having a conversation with someone she hadn’t really talked to in a long time. However, she knew that this was inevitable; that since Barry returned, Cisco was probably going to want it to be the three of them again. 

“I’m alright, as well as to be expected,” she muttered as she looked at a spot over his shoulder. She found it easier to talk to people when she didn’t have to make eye contact with them. 

“Are you sure? You can’t even look at me,” Cisco said gently and Caitlin wished people wouldn’t treat her as if she was someone who was fragile. However, given how she had shut everybody out and would scare at the littlest of things, she may indeed be someone fragile.

“I’m fine,” she said a little more firmly as she cut her eyes to him momentarily. He nodded his head.

“Alright,” he agreed lightly and she let out a breath of relief.

“But just in case you weren’t, or aren’t, or whichever, you know I’m here you, right?” Cisco verified and Caitlin almost laughed. Almost. Instead, she just shrugged a shoulder.

“We really haven’t “been there” for each other in a long time, Cisco,” she whispered. He reached out hesitantly, to touch her arm by the looks of it, but she folded her hands across her chest and he let his arm hang limply by his side.

“I know,” he agreed. “However, you’re still my best friend. That hasn’t changed. And now that the whole team is back together, I’ll definitely be there for you.”

Caitlin wanted to roll her eyes at his naivety. Did he really think that just because Barry was back it meant the whole team was back together? It didn’t work that way.

“I don’t have a team anymore, Cisco,” she sighed. She inhaled shakily before jerking her head towards Wally.

“I’ve got to go give him some results, I’ll see you around,” she mumbled before walking off, tightening her sweater as she went. Once she reached Wally, he looked at her, taking in everything about her expression.

“Are you alright, Caitlin?” Wally asked seriously and she rubbed her forehead.

“Fine,” she mumbled, suddenly too tired to explain why Cisco’s words had rattled her. Wally knew better than to push her when she didn’t willingly want to give information.

“Alright. When’s your next appointment with Carol?” Wally asked.

“Tomorrow,” Caitlin muttered, having taken to seeing her therapist twice a week. Wally nodded his head.

“I’m going to come with you, alright?” Wally asked softly.

“Whose Carol and where are you going?” Barry’s voice came up and Caitlin nearly jumped. She looked at him before looking at Wally, who looked unsure as to what he was supposed to say.

“Carol is my therapist. He’s going with me to a meeting,” Caitlin sighed, not seeing any way around getting out of explaining the situation; nor did she particularly have the energy to. 

“You’re seeing a therapist, Cait?” Barry asked softly and she chewed on her lip before nodding her head.

“Yes,” she whispered. 

“That’s alright – nothing wrong with that, in fact,” Barry soothed and Caitlin smiled as much as she could. She figured it looked more like a grimace, however. 

“Can I come with Wally?” Barry asked and Caitlin furrowed her brow.

“You don’t have to do that,” she muttered.

“But I want to,” he countered. After studying him for another moment, she nodded her head.

What the hell had she just gotten herself into?


	9. Chapter 9

Caitlin drummed her fingers against her thigh as she waited for Carol to call her back. She knew that with Barry and Wally both here, she was even more nervous than normal. Wally stilled her fingers against her leg and smiled comfortingly at her. 

“Try to remember to breathe, Cait,” he murmured and Caitlin nodded her head as much as she could. Sure, breathe. It was easy for him to tell her that when he wasn’t the one who had two members of his team getting ready to sit in on a therapy session with him. Barry and Wally had decided it made more sense to actually sit in on the session and see what it was like from a firsthand experience. She was still trying to figure out why she had agreed to that. 

“Caitlin?” Carol’s soft voice interrupted her musings and she looked up. She bit her lip as Carol beckoned her forward and glanced at Wally and Barry, who were both smiling encouragingly at her. 

“Is it alright if they sit in on the session with me?” Caitlin asked Carol softly. Her therapist nodded her head with a smile. 

“Of course. These sessions are meant to be about your comfort,” Carol reminded her. Caitlin nodded her head and got up, with Wally and Barry following her. The three of them made their way into Carol’s office and Caitlin headed straight for the couch, tucking her knees up to her chest as soon as she sat down. She wrapped her arms around her legs, locking them securely in place. Wally and Barry sat down on either side of her, with Carol sitting down in her chair across from the couch. 

“So,” Carol began. “What happened since I last saw you on Tuesday?”

“You mean in the past two days?” Caitlin checked and Carol nodded her head. 

“Well, Hunter appeared in my nightmares Tuesday night,” Caitlin whispered and Carol studied her. 

“How long has it been since you’ve dreamed about him?” Carol asked gently and Caitlin inhaled shakily. 

“A few weeks,” she admitted and Carol hummed thoughtfully. 

“Do you remember what happened in your dream?” Carol asked. 

“Not really. I just know that he was there with Killer Frost,” Caitlin mumbled. Carol nodded her head.

“I’m not surprised that you don’t remember what happened in the dream. Our brains try to sometimes protect against things that have given us great deals of trauma and stress. It’s not to say that you’ll never recall what happens in your dreams, however. On top of living with anxiety and depression, you live with PTSD as well, so your brain won’t always be able to protect you from your nightmares,” Carol said. 

Caitlin sighed. She had a feeling that she may have had some even bigger side effects from all the trauma she dealt with and her therapist just confirmed it. Wally squeezed her shoulder while Barry rubbed her back; it was comforting in a really odd way, considering she didn’t like to be touched. 

“So, what do I do on the nights my brain doesn’t protect me?” Caitlin whispered. 

“Do you still journal?” Carol asked and Caitlin nodded her head. 

“I want you to start writing in a dream diary. Write about every dream you can remember, good or bad, and then during our sessions, we will dissect what they mean,” Carol stated. Caitlin agreed to do that immediately. 

Barry cleared his throat and Carol looked at him.

“Yes?” Carol asked politely.

“What can we do for Caitlin as her friends?” Barry asked. 

“Be there for her. Don’t grow impatient with her or her lack of progress on the tougher days. Especially on the tougher days. I’m not sure how much she has told you but considering you both are sitting in on this session, I think it’s safe to assume you both know enough. Just continue to give her support,” Carol said firmly. 

“Always,” Barry and Wally both said simultaneously, causing Caitlin and Carol to both laugh softly.

“I’m still taking my anxiety medication as needed,” Caitlin added, deciding to throw caution to the wind and letting Barry know about that. She could feel his eyes on her but she didn’t look at him, too focused on Carol. 

“Good,” Carol praised. “It’s important to take that when you feel an anxiety attack coming on.”

“Do you have those a lot, Cait?” Barry asked softly and she shrugged a shoulder. 

“A fair amount of times throughout the week,” she admitted sheepishly and he rubbed her back again. 

“How’s your depression?” Carol asked softly and Caitlin sighed. 

“Some days it’s manageable; some days I feel like I’m in the ocean, drowning, without any hope of rescue,” Caitlin muttered. Carol studied her. 

“That’s completely normal. I wish I could say there’s a cure to depression but unfortunately, there’s not. You just have to work through it,” she said softly. Caitlin and Carol had tossed around the idea of medication for depression as well, but Caitlin wasn’t ready to admit that it was that bad. Carol said the choice was hers’ until she felt it was necessary to intervene. 

The rest of the session was spent talking about her depression and how she was working through it, with Barry and Wally asking questions as they saw fit. Then, it was over and they were making their way outside, with the promise of seeing Carol again on the following Tuesday. 

“Thanks for letting us come with you,” Wally murmured as he squeezed her hand. Caitlin smiled as much as she could before tightening her sweater. 

“You’re welcome. Thanks for not judging me,” she replied. 

“We’d never judge you, Cait. Never.” Barry said firmly. 

The three of them made their way out and back to Caitlin’s car, where she got in the passenger seat wordlessly, with Wally in the driver’s and Barry in the backseat. The drive back to Caitlin’s apartment was silent, as they were each lost in their own thoughts.   
Once there, Wally gave her a hug and kiss on the forehead before saying his goodbyes and speeding off. 

She looked at Barry, who had shoved his hands into his pockets and was looking at her.

“Want some tea?” Caitlin asked softly. He nodded his head and they made their way into her kitchen where she turned on the kettle as he sat down at her table. Once the tea was ready, she poured it into tow mugs and made her way over to him, handing him his cup as she sat down next to him. 

They drank their tea in mostly silence, before Barry spoke up. 

“Thanks for letting me come today,” he murmured. “I know it couldn’t have been easy for you to let someone in besides Wally.”

Caitlin thought it over. “You’re right, it wasn’t.”

“I’m proud of you for doing so, though,” Barry smiled at her and she returned it as much as she could. 

“Are you going to be at work, tomorrow?” Barry asked softly. She thought about his question for a moment before nodding her head. 

“Yes. For part of the day, at least,” she said softly. She knew she couldn’t hide out in her apartment all the time, away from the world. She knew that she had to eventually start living again; living without fears in her life. 

Barry hesitantly rubbed his thumbs across her knuckles and she found herself not wanting to hide from the touch. 

“Good. I’ll be there with you every step of the way. Well, Wally and I,” he amended with a soft chuckle, which she mirrored. 

They finished their tea in silence and then, eventually, Barry made his way out of her apartment and Caitlin surrendered to another restless night.


	10. Chapter 10

After getting a few unrestful hours of sleep, Caitlin eventually decided to call it over and get out of bed. She made her way tiredly into her kitchen and turned her coffee pot on, hoping the smell and taste of the hot liquid would effectively wake her up more. What she didn’t expect to wake her up was the sound of someone knocking on her door. Sighing, she poured herself a cup of coffee before making way to her door, peeking out of the peephole before opening it. 

“Hello, Barry,” she murmured as she looked at him, hands in his pockets and smiling at her. After a momentary pause, she cleared her throat. 

“Was there something I could help you with?” Caitlin asked softly, hoping to find out why he was standing outside of her door. He quickly shook his head.

“No, I just came by to see how you were doing after the session yesterday?” Barry asked and Caitlin sighed as she swung her door open to invite him in. 

“I’m fine, I promise,” she muttered as she made her way back to her kitchen after he shut the door softly. His quiet footsteps alerted her to the fact that he was following her. Once insider her kitchen, she jerked her head wordlessly towards the coffee pot and watched as he helped himself to a mug of coffee; she wondered if this was a tradition in the making. 

She sat down at her counter, tightening her sweater against her as she did so. After getting his mug, he sat down next to her. The two of them sat in silence for a while, letting it envelop them as they sipped their coffee. Eventually, he cleared his throat and she looked at him curiously before shifting her eyes elsewhere.

“You know I’m really proud of you for opening up the way you did in front of us yesterday, right?” Barry asked quietly and Caitlin hummed by didn’t say anything, not sure where this conversation was going. She didn’t have to wait long to find out, however.

“I’d like to come sit in on more sessions, if that’s alright,” Barry murmured and Caitlin sighed.

“Barry…” she began but stopped when he placed his hand on hers’. She looked down at their hands and then back up to him; he had nothing but gentleness swimming in his orbs.

“Please,” he asked. “I’ve done a lousy job of being a good friend to you. I need to rectify my mistakes.”

Caitlin sat there and thought it over. Barry had a point: he hadn’t been a good friend to her but she wasn’t sure if the way to rectify those mistakes was to be present during her most vulnerable moments. Sighing, she took a sip off coffee to prolong having to give an answer. Perhaps he noticed, because he laughed gently. 

“Coffee to the rescue,” he murmured and she smiled, despite herself. He sat there, letting her drink however much coffee she needed while she gathered her thoughts. Eventually, she looked back at him.

“Alright,” she breathed. 

He looked at her hopefully.

“Alright I can sit in on some more sessions?” Barry asked and Caitlin nodded.

“You can,” she verified. “But there are conditions.”

“I’m good with conditions,” he immediately agreed and she chuckled at his enthusiasm.

“Alright, you go when I want you there. If you have any questions to ask Carol, we need to go over them before the session so I’m not blindsided. And, if at any point, I ask you to leave the session, you must do so without questioning my judgement call,” she muttered. She had a reason for each condition and was willing to defend them if she had to, but luckily for her, Barry agreed without question.

“Your conditions are very doable,” he replied softly and she smiled hesitantly. They finished the rest of their coffee in a comfortable silence, Caitlin not feeling quite at peace but better than she had in a while. 

Once they finished their coffees, Barry looked at her.

“Are you going to come into work today?” Barry asked her and she thought it over.

“I don’t know…” she trailed off as he shook his head.

“Cait, it’s okay to fear everything,” he murmured. “It is. What’s not okay is to let your fear make you shy away from the world, especially when you have friends who want to help you.” 

She thought over his words as he trailed his thumb over her knuckles absentmindedly, watching her. She watched his thumb for a moment, before looking up at him.

“Alright,” she whispered and he smiled encouragingly at her. 

They cleaned up their mess, before she headed back into her room to grab everything she needed, including her anxiety medication. She then made her way back out into her living room, where Barry was waiting patiently for her. 

“Got everything you need?” Barry asked as soon as he saw her. She nodded her head as she tightened her sweater around her.

“Good. May I?” Barry asked as he held out his arms. She hesitated for only a moment before giving him permission to lift her up. He swung her into his arms, legs dangling over the crook of his elbow, and then they were off. She tucked her head into his neck and kept her eyes firmly shut as he raced through the city. Soon enough, he came to a stop and she peeked her eyes open as she got her bearings back. 

“We’re here,” he murmured as he set her back down on the ground. She smiled.

“Much faster than my car,” she teased, surprised to hear the joking tone she had adopted. He laughed. 

“That it is,” he agreed warmly and bumped his shoulder with hers’. They made their way into the cortex where everybody else was. She smiled softly at Wally as he glanced up at them.

“Hey, Cait,” he smiled back at her before dipping his head in Barry’s direction. Barry returned his greeting before glancing at Caitlin. 

“You alright, Cait?” Barry murmured and she blinked, before looking at him.

“Fine,” she confirmed before tightening her sweater around her and making her way to her desk, bringing up the two speedsters latest medical results. She got immersed in her work for several hours before someone interrupted her. 

“Hey,” Cisco called out to her and she nearly dropped the file she was holding. Catching it with fumbling fingers, she turned her round eyes onto him.

“Hey,” she replied shakily as she slowed her heart rate down. He studied her for a moment before sighing. 

“I wish you wouldn’t be nervous around me,” he muttered. She laughed humorlessly.

“Don’t take it personally, I’m nervous around everyone,” Caitlin replied dryly.

“Not Wally,” Cisco countered and she sighed.

“That’s because he took the time to get to know me after I came back,” she muttered. “You were busy with helping get Barry back.”

Cisco winced at her words and she bit her lip.

“That’s not a bad thing,” she amended softly but he shook his head.

“I should’ve been focused on helping you, too. You’re my best friend. Or, were,” he sighed. 

She didn’t know how they had lost themselves or their friendship over the course of the past year but she wasn’t sure if they were ever going to get back to who they once were. 

“Look, Cisco, you have to understand. A lot of things have changed in the past few months. I’ve changed,” she muttered, hoping he’d understand. He seemed to because he smiled softly a moment later.

“You’re right. However, that doesn’t mean I’m giving up on you or our friendship. I’ll never do that,” he murmured before squeezing her shoulder gently. Again, she fought off the urge to recoil and smiled only when she was sure she wasn’t going to. 

“Alright,” she murmured. They stayed besides each other, talking for a bit longer. It wasn’t a huge, monumental improvement by any means but it was enough to leave her a bit happier than she had been. And that was enough for her.


	11. Chapter 11

Caitlin made it a habit to try and talk to Cisco more. Some days were easy, while others were downright impossible but, it was a balancing act. On the days that she could summon the courage to talk to him, the pair got a long great. Cisco seemed to understand everything needed to be done at her pace, so didn’t try to rush her into being how she once was around him. Wally also encouraged her to continue trying to mend their broken friendship. It wasn’t an easy feat by any means, but, still, she felt proud of her progress. 

On one particularly trying day, Caitlin was just about to throw her hands up in the air and admit she didn’t need friends when Wally came to her rescue.

“Caitlin, I need to talk to you about my latest results,” he said as he came bounding into the cortex, interrupting Cisco half way through his sentence. She flashed him a grateful look as she nodded her head.

“Yes, of course,” she murmured as she smiled apologetically at Cisco before Wally steered her away from him.

“I could literally see the knots of tension in your back,” Wally muttered as they exited the cortex and she sighed.

“He’s just wanting us to jump back into the friendship we once had and forgets that I’m not at that place anymore. Most days, he’s good at letting me direct the speed of how fast we repair our friendship but days like today, he seems to forget that I’m still struggling with talking to anyone besides you,” she murmured. Wally nodded his head in understanding.

“Trust me, I get it, Cait. I remember how long it took you to open up to me and that was just because I was proving myself to be a stubborn nuisance,” he replied and she laughed a little at that.

“However, it seems like you and Barry have been getting a long fairly well,” Wally added and Caitlin thought it over before nodding her head.

“We have, yes,” she replied softly. She thought about all the mornings Barry showed up at her apartment, to simply sit with her and drink coffee before he flashed them to work. It was comforting, becoming tradition, and that was something Caitlin didn’t take for granted. 

“He flashes you here every morning so that means he’s coming to your apartment at the very least,” Wally carried on and she nodded her head.

“We’re having some coffee before work and then he takes me home and we have some tea before I call it a night,” she murmured and Wally beamed at her.

“Cait, that’s great!” Wally enthused and she laughed gently at his excitement. 

“It is,” she agreed. “However, I don’t want him around on the bad nights.”

“What if he wants to be around on those nights? Especially those nights?” Wally asked and Caitlin sighed.

“It’s no one’s job but my own to fix me. Yes, you’ve seen a lot and have helped me through a lot but that’s because you’re stubborn and refused to be sent away when things got tough. Barry isn’t at that point,” she reminded him.

“What if he wants to be at that point but can’t be because you won’t allow him to be?” Wally countered.

“Wally, stop being so determined to be right,” Caitlin laughed and he shook his head.

“Never,” he grinned and bumped his shoulder with hers’. 

“Well, even if that is the case, I will not let him get in as deep as you are. He doesn’t need to be subjected to that,” she sighed. 

She thought over everything; the mornings and evenings they spent together and the two therapy sessions he had sat in on. She had broken down and cried during both but refused to let him comfort her. That wasn’t his job. She knew that. However, even she had to admit that it was nice to know he’d be at her apartment every morning, waiting to be let in so he could drink her coffee and listen to whatever she decided to share with him. 

“Did you ever think maybe he wants to be let in passed your barriers?” Wally asked gently and she frowned.

“What do you mean?” Caitlin asked.

“Look, Cait, I see the way he looks at you sometimes when you’re not looking. I’ve only seen him look at one other person that way: my sister,” he murmured.

“Don’t be ridiculous, Wally. Barry and Iris are still working things out,” she muttered, too determined to believe that they were.

“Just, know that he’s starting to look at you the way he looks at Iris. I don’t think that’s because of how much you’ve let him in, either,” Wally persisted. 

Caitlin sighed, knowing it’d be useless to try and change Wally’s mind on the matter.

“Alright,” she murmured, hoping he’d just drop it. Just then, Barry came up to them.

“Hey, guys,” he greeted them with a smile, to which they both returned with one of their own. 

“You ready to go, Cait?” Barry asked softly and she nodded her head before looking at Wally.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, alright?” Caitlin said and he smiled at her.

“Of course. Have a good night and do try and sleep longer than two hours, alright?” Wally replied. She nodded her head as he squeezed her shoulder gently. 

Then, Barry scooped her up into his arms after getting permission, and they were off. Caitlin kept her head tucked into the crook of his neck, focused on keeping her lunch down. Before long, Barry came to a stop and, after giving him the go ahead, placed Caitlin down on the ground gently. 

“Tea time?” Caitlin asked softly. Barry hesitated and she wondered if he had something to say.

“Actually,” he began and she felt her heart rate increase. “Is it alright if I crash on your couch tonight?”

Caitlin blinked. “Why?”

“Because you still look dead on your feet and I want to make sure you actually sleep tonight. More than two hours, I mean,” he murmured and Caitlin sighed.

“I’m sleeping fine,” she muttered but he shook his head stubbornly.

“I don’t think you are, Cait,” he reiterated. She thought over her options for a moment before hanging her head.

“Alright,” she whispered, knowing that it might help her sleep better. 

They made their way into her apartment and Caitlin headed straight over to the tea kettle. Once she got it turned on, she waited patiently for it to be ready to be poured. Barry took his usual seat at her counter. When the tea was ready, she carried the two steaming cups over to the counter and handed him his as she slid into the chair next to him. They drank their tea in comfortable silence, letting it envelop them. 

This was a night that Caitlin wasn’t a woman of many words, something perhaps Barry picked up on because he was equally as silent. They finished drinking their tea before Barry put the cups in the dishwasher. Caitlin stood up.

“I’ll go get you sheets and a blanket for the couch, along with a pillow,” she murmured as she jerked her head towards her hall where her closet for spare blankets was. After she had retrieved everything she needed, she met Barry back in the living room and saw that he was already changed for bed.

“What?” Caitlin asked dumbly.

“I may have flashed home to get ready really quick and brought back a spare change of clothes for tomorrow,” Barry admitted with a sheepish shrug and she almost laughed. 

“You’re a mess, Barry,” she remarked softly and he just grinned. 

After making sure he had everything he needed, she left him for the night. She got ready for bed herself and climbed in, grabbing her journal off her night stand as she did so. After writing for a solid hour, she closed it with a snap and rolled over, hoping a dreamless sleep would be welcoming her. She still couldn’t remember the point that she fell asleep until the point she woke up screaming.

“Caitlin! Cait! Hey!” Caitlin felt someone shaking her as her screams echoed around her room. She bolted up into a sitting position as her heart hammered a mile a minute. Barry was crouched down next to her, pushing her sweaty hair back.

“Breathe, Cait, breathe,” he murmured and she nodded her head as she tried to get a breath in through the tightness of her chest. Eventually, that faded and she could breathe normally. She gulped as she looked at Barry. 

“This is why I didn’t want you to stay on the couch,” she muttered as she wiped the sweat off her brow. Barry eased himself down on her bed, rubbing her leg gently. Surprisingly, she didn’t jerk away from the touch. 

“No, I’d much rather be here for you then you to wake up on your own, scared,” he countered and she sighed as she nodded her head.

“Want to talk about it?” Barry asked a moment later.

“Jay…Killer Frost,” she muttered, wondering why she was dreaming about Jay for a second time in a week.

“Carol said that was normal. That you would dream about both at the same time on occasion,” he reminded her and again, she nodded.

“Wait right here, alright?” Barry asked.

“Where am I going to go?” Caitlin replied and he sent her a smile before flashing off, only to return seconds later with a glass of ice cold water.

“Drink some, please,” he murmured and she hesitantly took the glass and drank some, instantly feeling her parched throat relaxing. They sat in silence for a few moments before he looked at her.

“Think you can sleep some?” Barry asked and she sighed.

“No,” she replied.

“Try,” he implored. He rubbed her leg again as he started singing softly, something that immediately helped put her to ease. She felt herself growing tired while listening to his soft voice. Eventually, too tired to fight the pull anymore, she succumbed to sleep once more, feeling at peace for the first time in a while.


	12. Chapter 12

The following Tuesday brought Caitlin’s next therapy appointment, another one Barry was also going to be sitting in on. After telling him that Barry would be there as well, Wally opted out of going, saying he didn’t want her to feel overwhelmed. However, there was a knowing look in his eyes when he said that, one that she couldn’t figure out. 

Once Carol had called them back, Caitlin took her typical seat on the couch, tucking her knees underneath her chin and wrapping her arms around her legs. Barry sat down a few feet away from her and they both looked expectantly at Carol. 

“So, new week, Caitlin,” Carol began and Caitlin nodded her head,

“How did you sleep since I last saw on Thursday?” Carol prompted and Caitlin thought about lying for a moment before sighing, knowing Carol would see right through it.

“Couple of hours each night,” she muttered.

“You must be exhausted,” Carol commented and Caitlin chuckled dryly.

“You don’t know the half of it,” she sighed. She decided to leave out the fact that Barry had to sit with her a couple of those nights because of the reoccurring nightmares she had been having. Barry seemed to pick up on that fact and decided to follow her lead and not mention anything, either. 

Carol flipped through her notes, reading over them until she found what she wanted.

“How’s your dreaming been, Caitlin?” Carol asked and Caitlin sighed.

“Well, I still dream about Killer Frost and then Jay, but that’s only on occasion,” she replied softly and Barry rubbed his hand up and down her back, instantly calming her. Once again, she found it nice rather than uncomfortable and didn’t jerk away from him. 

“What happens in your dreams when Jay is present?” Carol asked and Caitlin thought about it.

“Usually, he’s just taunting me, saying he knew I had that dark side inside of me all along and it was only a matter of time before it was unleashed,” she murmured. She still couldn’t believe she had caused so much destruction when she was Killer Frost; had hurt so many people.

“Why do I get the feeling that you’ve suddenly just started judging yourself?” Carol asked gently. 

“Because I have,” Caitlin replied in monotone. She knew she shouldn’t, that it was detrimental to the progress that she had been making, but she couldn’t help it. 

“Caitlin, you judging yourself is not going to let you attain peace and happiness any faster,” Carol reminded her and Caitlin sighed as her eyes welled with tears. Carol pushed her box of tissues towards her and Caitlin accepted them wordlessly. She wiped at her eyes as she took a steadying breath.

“I know you’re right, Carol, I do. It’s just hard to not judge myself when it feels like I haven’t made any progress – when it feels like I’ve taken two steps backwards,” Caitlin sighed.

“Let me remind you that you’ve made leaps and bounds of progress, Caitlin,” Carol began. “You’ve come to all of your therapy appoints, you’ve taken your anxiety medication when you’ve needed it, and you’ve even let your friends come sit in on sessions with you. You’ve made yourself incredibly vulnerable in these sessions, therefore, in front of them. Don’t think you haven’t made progress,” Carol reminded her gently. 

Caitlin thought about all that she had said and realized she was right. She smiled as much as she could. 

“Thanks, Carol,” she murmured as Barry rubbed her back again. The rest of the session was spent going over her dream diary that she had started writing in, with Carol helping her analyze her dreams and get to the root of the problem. She knew she’d still be having nightmares; she’d still have them for a long time to come, but, it was progress. 

Once the session had ended, Barry and Caitlin had filed out of Carol’s office and headed towards Caitlin’s car, with Caitlin getting into the driver’s seat this time. She knew she needed to be able to drive herself again without the fear of having a panic attack. She fiddled around with her radio and found a station with soft music playing so put it on a low volume and exited it out of the parking lot, keeping her eyes focused on the road. Barry, it seemed, knew better than to try and engage her in a conversation when she was focused on her driving, something she was utterly thankful for. Before too long, they were pulling back up to her apartment complex and parking. 

“Good job, Cait,” Barry smiled at her.

“What, getting us here in one piece?” Caitlin quirked her eyebrow and he laughed.

“Basically,” he replied with a nonchalant shrug and she rolled her eyes with a laugh of her own.

“Are you…are you staying the night again tonight?” Caitlin asked uncertainly. He had been staying the night every night since the previous week and she wasn’t sure what his actual plans were.

“If that’s alright with you,” he replied automatically. She thought about it before smiling.

“It’s alright with me,” she confirmed before getting out of the car, with him following suit. They made their way up to her apartment and she immediately went towards the kitchen, where she turned her stove on and put the kettle onto it. 

“May I make us a couple of sandwiches?” Barry asked. He looked like he needed to be busy doing something so Caitlin nodded her head, wordlessly giving him permission. It was mostly silent, with Barry asking what she wanted on her sandwich occasionally. 

Once the tea and food was ready, they took their usual seats at her counter and began eating, letting the silence envelop them. It wasn’t at all suffocating like it had been the first couple of nights he had been there and Caitlin found herself feeling comfortable rather than on edge. 

Once their meal was finished, Barry put their plates in her dishwasher while Caitlin poured them another cup of tea before they both sat back down.

“Thanks for letting me sit in on your sessions with you, Cait,” Barry murmured and she shrugged a shoulder.

“Thanks for not judging me, Barry,” she replied softly and he shook his head.

“I’d never judge you, never,” he stated firmly and she smiled.

“I know,” she replied simply and left the conversation there, suddenly tired.

Perhaps he noticed because he didn’t say anything else as they both finished their tea quickly.

“Ready for bed?” Barry asked once they emptied their mugs. She nodded her head as she put the mugs in the dishwasher.

“Yes,” she said softly. 

She watched as he studied her and she suddenly felt like she was on display. She tightened her sweater around her.

“What?” Caitlin whispered as he inched his way closer.

“I…I want to do something,” he murmured and she looked at him.

“What?” Caitlin whispered again.  
“It’s nothing bad,” he promised her gently and she nodded her head, giving him permission to do whatever it was that he wanted – though, she thought she had a fairly good idea as to what it was. She stood rooted to the spot as he cradled her cheek in his hand, leaning into the touch. He looked into her eyes as he moved in closer, making sure this was okay. She just nodded her head. He brushed his lips across hers’ and she met him in the middle as she returned the kiss, heart beating pleasantly in her chest. They kissed for a few moments, getting familiar with the other person and she smiled as they broke apart.  
She opened her eyes as she looked at him, suddenly worried.

“What about Iris?” Caitlin asked softly as she bit her lip. He ran his thumb over her furrowed brow and smiled slightly.

“We talked a couple of days ago and concluded that we’re just not the same people we were before I went into the speed force,” he murmured and that helped ease her worries. She smiled as he brushed his lips against hers’ one more time, feeling utterly at peace. That surprised her; she didn’t think she’d ever feel comfortable letting in anybody again; however, she wasn’t going to question it. When they pulled apart for the second time, they both wore identical smiles. 

“I’ll let you get ready for bed now,” Barry murmured and she nodded her head.

“That’s probably a good idea,” she hummed in agreement.

“Just remember, I’ll be right out on the couch,” he added softly. 

“I know,” she replied. He brushed his lips against her forehead before she walked away, leaving him for the night. After she was ready for bed and had written in her journal, Caitlin turned off her light and fell asleep. That was the first night in a long time that she was able to sleep all the way through the night. Progress indeed.


	13. Chapter 13

When Caitlin woke up the next morning it was to find out the weight on her heart had lessened slightly. She smiled softly at that before getting up and getting ready for the day. Once she was ready, she made her way out into her kitchen with her journal tucked under her arm. She was surprised to find Barry already up and in the kitchen, making the coffee.

“You’re awake early,” she commented as she accepted the cup he handed her with a smile.

“Yeah, I just woke up early in general this morning,” he replied as they made their way to her counter. She usually spent the half hour she had before he woke up writing in her journal. Now, she didn’t want him to think she was ignoring him.

“Let me just go put this back in my room really quick,” she murmured as she nodded her head towards her journal. She stopped when she felt his hand on her forearm and looked at him curiously.

“You write every morning. I don’t want that to change just because I’m up early. Go ahead and write. Take as long as you need,” he encouraged and she thought it over briefly before smiling.

“Thanks,” she replied softly. They sat down at her counter and she flipped open to the next empty page in her rather filled journal and began writing, taking occasional sips out of her coffee as she did so. When her half hour was up, she shut her journal with a smile and looked up to see Barry peering at her.

“What?” Caitlin asked softly as she shifted some of her hair forward to create a curtain of protection. He raised his hand, paused, then slowly shifted it back behind her shoulder.

“Don’t hide,” he murmured gently and she nodded her head.

“Alright,” she breathed.

“And to answer your question, nothing. I just like watching how focused you become whenever you write. I can see why it’s soothing to you; makes you solely focus on the words you want to put down,” he added.

“Exactly,” Caitlin replied and they shared a smile. She went to go refill their coffee mugs and then sat back down, looking around the room before her eyes landed on him again.

“Are we going to talk about last night?” Caitlin asked softly and Barry quirked an eyebrow at her.

“About the fact that you didn’t wake up for a horrible nightmare?” Barry asked and she looked pointedly at him.

“No.”

Barry laughed. “No, I know you are referring to the kiss.”

“Yes, I am,” Caitlin replied with her own laugh. 

“Well, I know it may have seemed to come out of left field but you have to believe I’ve been wanting to do that for the longest time,” he murmured and it was her turn to quirk an eyebrow.

“We’ve only just recently gotten involved in each other’s lives again. It couldn’t have been that long,” she stated and he shrugged a sheepish shoulder.

“I may have thought about doing that long before we reconnected,” he admitted.

“But Iris…” Caitlin trailed off and Barry was brave enough to place his hand on hers’ and hold it there.

“Is not you,” he replied softly and she blinked.

“Barry, you’ve been in love with her since forever,” she reminded him but he just chuckled softly. 

“I think it’s safe to say I fell out of love with her. And she fell out of love with me. Like I said, the speed force changed us. Then you can back into my life and it was like a blinking red arrow pointing me towards you,” he said and she couldn’t help it, she chuckled too.

“You’re hopeless, Barry Allen,” she teased and he just grinned at her.

“I know.”

“So, that kiss…” she began and Barry raised his eyebrows questioningly. 

“Can it happen again?” Caitlin asked softly, feeling her cheeks warm up and she dropped eye contact, suddenly finding the counter more interesting. He cradled her cheek in his hand, waiting patiently until she looked up at him. Once she did, he smiled gently. 

“Yes, it can,” he replied simply and she felt her heart flutter warmly. Ever so slowly, keeping his eyes firmly on hers’, he inched closer. She met him in the middle and when their lips met, the fireworks that exploded behind her eyelids in an array of colors left her blinded. She brushed her lips across his once, twice, three times before they pulled apart and Caitlin worked to catch her breath.

“That was amazing,” she murmured softly and he kissed the corner of her mouth.

“Yes, it was, sweetheart,” he said equally as soft. She thought some things over and realized with a sinking feeling that she was still terrified of everything.

“Where’d you go?” Barry asked and she sighed.

“Just realized that while that felt nice, I’m still terrified of living my life,” she muttered and he squeezed her hand.

“I’ll be here to help you, to get you living life again to your fullest capability,” he murmured.

“I’m not sure it’s that easy,” she said but he shook his head.

“I’ll make sure it’ll be that easy. You don’t have to be afraid of me or of anything when I’m around,” he promised gently and how she wished she could believe that.

“It’s…going to take me some time to feel completely safe,” she admitted.

“Take as long as you need, I’m not going anywhere,” he replied firmly and she smiled hesitantly.

“That sounds good,” she whispered. He dared to kiss her again and she found herself enjoying it immensely, not wanting to run away from him like she would have done a week ago. She knew that the only reason she was this comfortable with him was because of the effort he had put in to prove that he really did mean it when he said he wanted to be back in her life, no matter how long that took. 

When they pulled apart, she smiled softly. He matched her. 

“We should get ready to head to work,” she murmured and he nodded his head as he stood up.

“May I?” Barry asked as he held out his arms. She smiled, giving him permission to swing her into his arms. Once he had secure grip on her, they were off at lightning fast speed. She knew that tomorrow would bring another struggle but for today, she wanted to stay rooted firmly in the present moment that caused her so much happiness. So, she did.


	14. Chapter 14

Once Caitlin and Barry made it to Star Labs, he placed her down on the ground gently and she worked to get her bearings back before smiling at him.

“I think that was the first time I wasn’t worried about throwing up on you,” she admitted with a chuckle which he matched.

“All types of progression today, Cait,” he murmured and she swatted his shoulder playfully. He caught her hand when she pulled it away and interlocked their fingers before looking at her.

“Is this alright?” Barry asked softly and she thought about it before smiling.

“Yes,” she replied firmly and they made their way into the cortex where Wally and Cisco already were.

“Caitlin, I -,” Wally trailed off when he saw their joined hands and smiled brightly at her.

“Do I get to say I told you so now?” Wally asked with a mischievous glint in his eye and Caitlin laughed fondly.

“Not today, Mr. West,” she commented in a teasing tone and watched at the shocked expression that crossed her friend’s face.  
“Cait, that must be the first time I’ve heard you tease me since you’ve been back,” he said and she shrugged a shoulder nonchalantly. 

“Don’t ruin this for me, Wally West,” she teased him again and he laughed gently.

“Wouldn’t dream of it, Caitlin Snow,” he teased her back and oh how it felt good for her to be sitting at this place in her recovery. Just then Iris walked in and Caitlin’s palms began to sweat. Perhaps Barry noticed because he started rubbing soothing circles into the back of her hand with his thumb.

“Hey guys,” Iris called as she walked over to them. She stopped when she saw their hands joined and Caitlin felt momentarily afraid. However, Iris just chuckled.

“Wondered when you two were going to realize you were hopelessly attracted to each other,” she joked and that lessened some of the fear that had risen in Caitlin’s stomach like a snake, ready to strike at a moment’s notice. Caitlin bit her lip.

“Iris…” she began but trailed off as she realized she had no idea what to say to the woman.

“Caitlin, it’s fine, really,” Iris emphasized. 

“Barry and I realized we don’t feel the way we used to feel for each other and I knew it wouldn’t be long before he came to his senses and realize he’s been in love with his doctor since basically the first day you met,” she added gently and Caitlin nodded her head slowly, after searching her face for any hint of dishonesty or anger.

“Alright,” she breathed out. She then cut her eyes to Cisco who just smiled gently at her. She dipped her head wordlessly in his direction, thanking him for not pushing her to talk. Then, they all went about their regular activities for the morning, with Caitlin getting lost in her thoughts during the process.   
She couldn’t believe that she was at an actual happy place in her recovery from her traumatic experience. She never thought she’d smile again, let alone be as happy as she was. It was progress she was going to have to share with Carol because she knew the older woman would be happy for her. She smiled slightly as she brought up some medical results on her tablet and began scrolling through them, pausing to type out notes as she saw fit. It wasn’t too long before she felt another presence behind her and she realized it wasn’t Barry or Wally. Taking a deep breath, she peered cautiously over her shoulder and saw Cisco standing several feet away from her.

“Hey, Cait,” he murmured gently once she had turned completely around.

“Hey,” she replied a little shyly. While she knew she had made leaps and bounds of progress over the past couple of weeks, she was still cripplingly shy, something she hated Killer Frost for giving to her. Cisco seemed to sense her discomfort because he cleared his throat softly and rubbed his hands together.

“So, you and Barry?” Cisco asked and she nodded her head slightly.

“Seems that way,” she replied quietly and he grinned.

“Are you happy, Cait?” Cisco asked and she thought about it for a moment before smiling hesitantly.

“I am,” she verified and his smile grew bigger.

“That’s all I want for you,” he admitted and she laughed softly.

“Thanks, Cisco,” she murmured, happy to realize she wasn’t finding the need to run away from him. He must’ve picked up on that fact too, because he smiled encouragingly at her.

“Still standing in my presence five minutes after the conversation started? Progress,” he remarked and she nodded her head.

“I’ve been making a lot of progress lately,” she admitted and he smiled softly.

“I’m proud of you, Cait,” he replied earnestly and that was enough to leave her flushed with pride. They continued talking for a bit before they decided to mingle with the rest of the team. The day passed by relatively quickly and, soon, Caitlin found herself getting ready to shut everything down for the night. Cisco had already left an hour earlier, as had Wally and Iris. Barry had to leave half an hour before her because there was an unexpected meta human alert and he needed to check it out. 

Sighing, she glanced at her watch one last time before locking her desk up and pulling her sweater around her tightly. She had no idea the time Barry would be back and she needed to be able to walk on her own again, anyways. She headed out of the cortex and locked it up before exiting the labs in general. Once she was outside, she took a quick glance around before shifting her purse up onto her shoulder more tightly and began making her way out of the parking lot and towards the center of town, where her apartment was. It typically only took her twenty or so minutes to walk home on nights like these. 

She was stopped about half way by the sounds of raucous laughter and froze. She glanced around and realized the sound was coming from the left of her. She squinted and made out a few men who were shouting at each other drunkenly. Tightening her strap of her purse even tighter, Caitlin kept walking, praying they wouldn’t notice her. No such luck.

“Hey!” One of them shouted but she refused to acknowledge him. He appeared next to her quite literally out of nowhere and she gasped.

“When someone addresses you, you address them back,” he growled and she felt her knees lock in place.

“I’m just on my way home,” she muttered as she tried to keep her heart rate calm. The last thing she needed was to have a panic attack in front of these guys.

“I think you should come and hang out with my buddies and I for a while,” the man countered but she shook her head firmly.

“No thanks,” she replied. 

“Aw, Pete, is she not being nice?” Another one asked.

“Not at all nice, Nick,” Pete replied. She slipped her purse off her shoulder as they were talking, ready to shove it into one of their chests and run. 

“We can’t have that, now can we?” Nick asked as he turned his eyes on her. She swallowed nervously.

“Leave me alone,” she warned and was she ever proud that her voice didn’t tremble and give away the fear she was feeling. Nick opened his mouth to say something and she took her opportunity. She shoved her purse forcefully into his chest, sending him back a couple of steps and took off, running as fast as she could. She didn’t look around, just kept her eyes forward and her feet moving. It wasn’t too long before she heard feet behind her and willed her legs to go faster.

“C’mon, Cait, c’mon,” she encouraged herself as she ran. Just then, she felt something heavy strike her on the head and fell to her knees.

“Ah,” she gasped as she felt warm blood seeping from a cut somewhere on the back of her head. She then felt someone kick her in the back and she fell forward, crying out. She had landed on her ankle awkwardly and felt something tear. Gasping for air, she looked around and saw herself suddenly surrounded. Willing herself to not cry, she blinked out the black pinpricks, threatening to pull her under. Just before she was about to surrender to the darkness, she saw yellow lightening flash all around her. With her final thought on what that was, she collapsed forward into the blackness eagerly.


	15. Chapter 15

A steady beeping is what dragged Caitlin back to consciousness. She was warm and comfortable and had a hard time dragging her eyelids open. Just then, a soft voice spoke up.

“Cait, sweetheart, can you hear me?” Barry asked and she blinked her eyes open tiredly. She looked around, taking everything in and realized where she was.

“Hospital,” she muttered, then coughed against the dryness of her throat. Barry’s hands shook as he poured her a cup of water, something she picked up on. Once he had finally filled the cup, he pressed it against her lips and she drank eagerly. After easing some of the parchedness in her throat, she slumped back against her pillows and sighed.

“Caitlin, what were you thinking?” Barry whispered and she sighed again.

“I was thinking that I had to be able to walk out by myself again,” she muttered and it was his turn to sigh.

“I get that, I do, but the first time you decide to walk out by yourself had to be at night?” Barry questioned and she shook her head, knowing he wouldn’t understand and it would be pointless to try and explain. Instead of trying, she glanced down at her body.

“How bad am I?” Caitlin asked softly and he squeezed her hand comfortingly.

“You have a concussion, a torn ligament in your ankle, hence the brace, and a bruised back,” he replied and she nodded her head. Ouch. Then she realized something.

“You were the yellow lightening I saw,” she stated and he nodded his head.

“I was,” he confirmed. “I made it back to Star Labs probably five or ten minutes after you left, realized you weren’t there, then went looking for you. It didn’t take me long to find you and the guys who were harassing you.” 

Caitlin didn’t have to work hard to hear the fury coloring his tone and she placed her hand gently over his and rubbed her thumb comfortingly along his knuckles. 

“What happened to those guys?” Caitlin asked quietly.

“After I saw you go down, I sped around, knocking them all out; then I rushed you to the hospital, they checked you in, then I rushed back and delivered them all to the precinct,” he replied softly and she nodded her head.

“Thanks for helping,” she remarked and he looked at her oddly.

“You don’t have to thank me for helping you,” Barry stated as if it was the most ridiculous thing to say and she laughed softly. She shifted around, trying to find a more comfortable position to be in. Barry aided her by propping her pillows up higher and then gently easing her back onto them. She smiled once she realized she was a lot more comfy. 

“Thank you,” she breathed out tiredly, her eyes closing on instinct. 

“Get some sleep, sweetheart. I’ll still be here when you wake up,” he promised gently and that caused her eyes to open. 

“Barry, you’ve got responsibilities,” she reminded him but he smiled softly.

“Joe cleared it at the precinct so I could have a few days off and Wally is holding down the fort at Star Labs,” he replied and that was enough to ease her worries.

“Alright,” she murmured as she closed her eyes once more and let sleep take over. 

When she next woke up, it was to a soft voice singing. She smiled softly as she peered at him.

“I always forget how well you can sing,” she murmured and he matched her smile.

“And let’s not forget how well you sing, either,” he teased her and she felt her cheeks grow warm.

“Barry Allen, don’t remind me,” she reprimanded him and he laughed quietly.

“How are you feeling, sweetheart?” Barry asked once his laughter had stopped and she thought about it for a moment.

“Alright, a little sore but I think the painkillers are still working,” she murmured and he smiled.

“How long am I in here for?” Caitlin asked curiously and he rubbed his thumb against her collar bone.

“Few days, then they’ll release you to go back at home. I want you to take at least a week off from work, alright?” Barry asked quietly and she thought it over before sighing.

“The team needs me,” she reminded him and he nodded his head.

“You’re right and you’ll be of no service to anyone if you push yourself too hard during your recovery,” he replied and she hummed in agreement.

“Alright,” she whispered. Just then there was a light knock on her door and she looked up in confusion. Cisco peered his head around the door and smiled softly.

“Hey, Cait, is it alright if I come in?” Cisco asked quietly and she thought it over before nodding, wordlessly giving him permission to enter. He walked in with a bunch of roses and she smiled at the flowers.

“Are those for me?” Caitlin asked softly and he nodded, before resting them on her nightstand. 

“I brought a vase but it’s in my car; my main thought was getting in here and seeing you. I’ll go grab the vase in a moment,” he replied and she smiled as she picked up the flowers and smelt their delicious fragrance. 

“They’re beautiful, thanks Cisco,” she murmured. 

“Is it okay if I kiss your forehead?” Cisco asked and she felt Barry squeeze her hand in encouragement; she drew strength from that and smiled.

“It is,” she confirmed and Cisco brushed his lips across her forehead before sitting down next to Barry.

“Caitlin Snow, what were you thinking walking by yourself late at night?” Cisco chastised her and she sighed.

“I was thinking I needed to get home and learn how to not be afraid of everything again,” she replied softly.

“You could’ve called Wally…or me,” he reminded her and she smiled slightly at the hesitation.

“I would’ve called either one of you if I felt like I couldn’t handle it. I thought I could handle it. I just didn’t expect to be harassed by a group of men,” she admitted honestly and it was his turn to sigh.

“At least they’re in prison,” he muttered.

“That they are,” Barry stated. “And I don’t think Joe is going to be letting them out for awhile. And the bail is set pretty high.”

That comforted Caitlin and she dipped her head in Barry’s direction.

“Tell him I said thank you,” she murmured. Then she realized something and felt fearful. Barry and Cisco noticed immediately because of the way her heart monitor started beeping more persistently.

“Whoa, easy, Cait,” Cisco said and Barry put his hands on her cheeks and cradled them.

“Calm down sweetheart and tell me where your head is at,” he encouraged softly. She took a deep breath.

“How am I allowed to be in a hospital when I attacked the precinct as…her?” Caitlin whispered, still feeling fearful.

“Breathe, sweetheart,” Barry reminded her. She focused on his voice and trying to slow down her heart. Once the monitor slowed down, Barry kissed her nose gently.

“To answer your question, Joe cleared it with the hospital last night. He explained to them all about the situation that happened, then further explained it at the precinct. No one decided to press charges,” he murmured and that eased the anxiety Caitlin was feeling.

“Really?” Caitlin whispered and both Barry and Cisco nodded their heads.

“Really,” they confirmed and she sighed.

“Thanks guys,” she mumbled as her eyes grew tired once more. Perhaps they noticed because Barry rubbed his thumb soothingly across her collarbone and Cisco squeezed her hand.

“Go back to sleep, sweetheart. We’ll be here when you wake up,” Barry murmured.

“We will,” Cisco confirmed. She nodded tiredly and not too long after that had succumbed to sleep once more, feeling safe. 

Author’s note: So, I think it’s stupid that Caitlin can’t be in the hospital. I decided to change that because I feel like people would understand the situation if they explained it to them, so here we are. Enjoy and let me know what you think if you so wish to! XOXO


	16. Chapter 16

Caitlin stayed in the hospital for the next three days, with Barry not leaving her side. On the third night, she finally spoke up.

“You know, you can go sleep in a bed if you want,” she said quietly. “It wouldn’t offend me.”

He shook his head. “Nope. I’m staying right here until you get released.”

“Barry Allen, you’re a mess,” she laughed softly as she snuggled deeper into her pillow. It wasn’t too long before she succumbed to her tiredness, still feeling exhausted after the attack. The next morning brought discharge papers and a smiling Caitlin.

“Ready to go home, sweetheart?” Barry asked softly and her smile grew.

“Yes!” Caitlin enthused, desperately missing her bed and ready to be in clothes that didn’t smell like a hospital. 

He helped her limp her way to the bathroom in the room, and she changed out of her clothes and into some spare ones Wally had dropped off on his short visit the night before. He was still the only one she trusted to go through her things. However, that was slowly changing the more Barry proved to be true to his word and stick by her. Once she had her clothes on, she tightened her sweater around her, burrowing deeper into the material and smiling at the familiarity of it all. 

“Ready?” Barry asked once she hobbled her way out and she hummed.

“Let’s go,” she confirmed. She couldn’t convince the nurse staff to let her use her crutches out to her car so she admitted defeat and allowed them to wheel her out, pausing as Barry brought it around.

“And here was me thinking you didn’t know how to drive,” she teased and he smirked.

“Oh, I know how to drive. I just prefer alternate transportation,” he replied and she rolled her eyes as she eased herself into her car. She knew she wouldn’t be able to drive anywhere for a while, not with her torn ligament, so Barry and Wally had both offered their services for her. 

“To home?” Barry verified.

“To home,” Caitlin confirmed as she sighed deeply. 

The drive was short, with Barry having taken to rolling down the windows. Caitlin’s hair blew out the window in the chilly air and she rested her forehead on her fist as her eyes closed, enjoying the crisp air. It wasn’t too long before they were pulling up to her complex. Barry parked the car, got out, and jogged to her side to help her out and onto her crutches. He kept his hand on the small of her back as she crutched her way into her building and towards the elevator, seeming to understand that she didn’t want to have to carry her crutches while he flashed them to her floor. 

Once they got her to apartment, she let him open her door and made her way in, where she eased down onto the couch, feeling tired from all the movement she had just done. He gently pushed her hair behind her ear and they both smiled when she didn’t flinch. 

“Can I get you anything?” Barry asked softly.

“Some coffee and my journal, maybe? The journal is on the kitchen table and you know where the coffee is,” she replied sweetly and he smiled at her. 

“Of course, be back in a flash.” And, he was. One moment he was there, the next he was gone, the following back there with her journal and a steaming cup of coffee. 

“Why does that look like it’s from Jitters?” Caitlin teased and he laughed.

“Figured you deserved a treat,” he replied as he shrugged a shoulder and handed it to her.

“Thanks, Barry,” she murmured as she took a needed sip.

“Ah, so much better than hospital coffee,” she sighed contentedly and he chuckled as he sat down in her chair across from the couch.

“I figured you’d be craving the real thing right about now,” he stated and she hummed in agreement. 

They sat there in comfortable silence as Caitlin sipped her coffee and wrote in her journal, Barry not seeming to mind the quiet. She wrote everything that had happened over the past few days, including the attack and the stay in the hospital, and how she felt to be out of the hospital and back in her own home. She even wrote a bit about how nice Barry had been treating her, something she never thought she’d be writing. When she was done, she closed her journal with a snap and placed it next to her. 

“Does that help you make sense of your thoughts?” Barry asked softly and she thought about it. 

“And my emotions, to be honest. I usually write after every panic attack I have, or every bad day,” she replied truthfully. He nodded his head. 

“I’m glad you have a good coping skill,” he murmured and she smiled slightly.

“Much better than shutting everyone out,” she said.

“Much,” he teased and they shared a collective chuckle before falling silent once more. She shifted around, trying to comfortable. Once realizing that her ankle wasn’t complying with her, she sighed.

“Want some help?” Barry asked and she thought about it for a moment before nodding her head.

“Please,” she replied. He made his way over to her and lifted her bad ankle, propped a few pillows up underneath it and stretched it out. She winced but let him carry on. He then propped two more pillows that were gathered in the other chairs around the room behind her head and she eased herself back onto them and sighed deeply.

“Better?” Barry asked softly and she smiled.

“Much,” she confirmed. He threw a blanket over her, tucking it in securely around her and brushed his lips across her forehead.

“You rest while I go run and get us some food, alright?” Barry asked and it was then that she noticed the rumbling in her stomach.

“You’ve got yourself a deal, Mr. Allen,” she replied sleepily. She shut her eyes just as she felt her hair blow all around her and laughed softly. Such a flair for the dramatics. She napped on and off until he arrived back, ten minutes later. She smelt the orange chicken before she saw it and she felt her mouth water.

“Chinese?” Caitlin asked.

“Even down to the four egg rolls,” he replied as he pulled out all the cartons and handed her the orange chicken with noodles. They ate, enjoying the silence and then occasionally filling it with chatter. She felt completely safe and relaxed, something that was becoming more of an occurrence lately. Once they were finished, Barry took it all to the trash and then was back.

“Why don’t you get some sleep?” Barry asked softly.

“Will you still be here?” Caitlin asked, uncertain if he planned on staying.

“I’m not going anywhere,” he promised earnestly. With that promise, Caitlin drifted off into a dreamless sleep, pleasantly content with where she was in her recovery. 

Author’s note: Don’t worry, Caitlin will be joining the team again soon! I just need a bit of rest and recovery. Hope you enjoy! XOXO


	17. Chapter 17

It wasn’t more than a week after she had returned home, did Caitlin go back to work. She was wary, to say the least but she knew she couldn’t back pedal all the progress she had made. She tightened her sweater around her and sipped her coffee, aware that Barry was studying her. 

“Look, sweetheart, I know for a fact that the team will understand if you take a longer break. No one, and I mean no one, will hold that against you after what happened,” Barry said earnestly and she smiled softly. 

“Barry Allen, thank you for caring about me but I have to get back to work. I spent too many months hiding away from the world. I also spent too many months building up my willpower to be less afraid. I can’t turn my back on that when I’ve made it this far,” she reminded him. He sighed.

“Fine. Just know that I’m sticking to you like glue today,” he muttered and she rolled her eyes.

“I can look after myself, thank you very much,” she sighed as she tightened her sweater again.

“I know you can sweetheart; this is just my way of saying you don’t have to,” he murmured and she thought it over for a moment before nodding.

“Alright, I need some blood samples from you anyways,” she remarked and laughed quietly as his eyes grew round.

“How many is ‘some’?” Barry demanded and she continued to laugh at the petulant tone he adopted.

“Three,” she replied dryly as she drained the last of her coffee. She watched in amusement as he skulked but she knew he didn’t mind, not really. After all, it was part of her job and he had wanted her to return to her job. She smiled at him as she looked at him expectantly and it was his turn to laugh slightly.

“May I?” Barry asked as he composed himself and held his arms open. She nodded.

“You may,” she confirmed and wrapped her arms around his neck as he swung her into his arms. She didn’t have to use the crutches anymore if she promised to stay in the brace. She promised. They were off in a flurry of electricity and she kept her head pushed into the crook of his neck as he sped his way towards Star Labs. Once there, he eased her down, helping her stay balanced as she put weight back onto her injured ankle. Once she gave him the clear, they walked into the labs and she was greeted by everyone on the spot.

“Hey, welcome back, Cait,” Wally beamed at her as he tightened his arms around her waist. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders in return and smiled at him.

“Thanks, Wally,” she murmured. Iris was next, handing her a bouquet of flowers.

“Wanted to come visit you in the hospital but thought you might’ve had your share of visitors,” she murmured as she too hugged her. Caitlin momentarily flinched but then calmed down and hugged her back.

“Thanks, Iris, they’re beautiful,” she smiled as she smelled the fragrance. Cisco kept his distance and she smiled gratefully at him but walked up to him nonetheless.

“No hug?” Caitlin questioned and he laughed.

“Didn’t want to overwhelm you,” he replied and she dipped her head in appreciation.

“Thanks, but I wouldn’t mind a hug,” she murmured and held open her arms.

“Don’t have to ask me twice,” Cisco said and hugged her enthusiastically. She laughed gently.

“Glad to have you back, Cait,” he murmured.

“Good to be back,” she replied and it was. She hadn’t realized how much she’d come to miss her job when she was forced to not go. They pulled apart and she glanced around before walking towards her desk and sitting down. She turned on her tablet and pulled up some medical documents and busied herself with that for a while. She knew that she had a lot to catch up on and smiled as she accepted the cup of coffee Wally brought to her.

“Caitlin Snow, if you ever walk out that late at night by yourself again, I’m personal tying you to your desk chair,” he admonished and she grinned guiltily. 

“Sorry, Wally,” she said sheepishly. He bumped his shoulder with hers’ and sighed. 

“Next time? Do me a favor and call me,” he muttered and she nodded her head.

“I will, promise,” she replied softly. He left it there and sat down next to her. 

“How are you feeling?” Wally asked gently. She thought about her answer as she took a needed sip of coffee. She shrugged.

“Tired, mad, a little scared, but mostly focused on continuing not letting my fear win,” she replied and he smiled.

“And, I think that’s the best we could be hoping for considering where you’re sitting,” he stated and she mirrored his smile. The two friends continued to chat before Barry came up to her with a long-suffering sigh. She looked up in amusement.

“Yes?” Caitlin asked. 

“I’m here to give the stupid blood samples,” he mumbled and she let out a peal of laughter.

She made quick work of it, only taking the promised three before she called it done. She removed the final needle, put a band-aid over the puncture, and smiled softly at him.

“Cup of coffee on me for your reward?” Caitlin asked and he grinned.

“Sounds like a date, Cait,” he replied and she kissed him swiftly before throwing away all the trash.

“Let’s go,” she murmured. 

They decided to walk at a leisurely place to Jitters, and Caitlin couldn’t help glancing down every dark corner they came across. Barry picked up on her fear and grabbed her hand, rubbing soothing circles into the back of her palm. She smiled as much as she could and tried to keep her heart from beating out of her chest. Soon enough, they made it to Jitters and were walking into the warm shop.  
They placed their orders, with Caitlin buying and then made their way to a table to wait for them. She eased down in one of the chairs, wincing slightly at the pain in her ankle.

“Ankle bothering you, sweetheart?” Barry asked softly. 

“Nothing a little coffee won’t fix,” she deadpanned and he laughed.

“Coffee addict,” he teased.

“And don’t you forget it,” she replied. They shared a smile and when their numbers were called, Barry got up to get them. She was too tired and comfortable to try and challenge him. When he was back, he handed her the coffee she had ordered and she took a sip, reveling in the taste of it and the warmth she felt sitting in the shop. 

“How are you feeling with everything?” Barry asked quietly and she hummed as she thought over her answer.

“Better, not as scared as I was this morning and I think the fear will keep fading with each passing day,” she murmured and he nodded.

“That’s all we can hope for,” he replied.

“You sound like Wally,” she chuckled as she took another sip of her hot liquid. He just grinned as he took his own drink. They stayed in relative silence, enjoying each other’s company and, for Caitlin, the safety they brought. 

“You know, when she was in control, she never felt any fear. I was aware of that. So, while I felt fear, it never came across because she didn’t portray it,” Caitlin brought up and Barry looked at her. He nodded his   
head, encouraging her to continue. 

“I think that was the absolute hardest part of it for me. The fact that I was so damn scared and nobody knew,” she continued as she stared unseeingly into her coffee, getting caught up in memories of the past.

“She knew what to say and what to do, but it was as if so did I; I just didn’t know how to voice it. That was the real battle. Not you guys versus me, not you guys versus her, even, but her versus me. Does that make sense?” Caitlin asked quietly. She waited with bated breath while Barry thought over his answer.

“Yes,” he replied and she heard such sincerity behind that answer that it left her light headed with relief. 

“It makes complete sense, Caitlin,” Barry said softly but earnestly as he placed his hand over hers’. She looked down at their hands, then back up to him and noticed nothing but gentleness swirling in his orbs.   
She smiled. 

“Thanks, Barry,” she murmured as he squeezed her hand. Nothing more was said between the two of them but that didn’t bother Caitlin. She was perfectly content to just sit here with the man she was slowing starting to fall in love with.


	18. Chapter 18

Caitlin studied herself in the mirror, taking in every detail that she could. Her cheeks were less sunken in from not having an appetite; there were little to no bags underneath her eyes from being able to catch up on her sleep; but, most importantly, she looked happy. Something she hadn’t seen on herself in a long time. She looked over her shoulder and smiled softly at Barry as he stepped into their room.  
They had officially decided to move in a few months ago, now that Caitlin wasn’t prone to waking up every night, screaming. On the rare nights that she did, he’d wake up with her and sing softly until she could go back to sleep. She didn’t know what she had done to deserve a man as nice as him but she knew she’d be counting her blessings every day for the rest of her life. She leaned back into him as he wrapped his arms around her waist and she sighed contentedly.

“Are you just about ready?” Barry asked softly and she nodded her head. Today was the day Wally and Jesse exchanged vows. She had come back to their Earth after everything was settled on the real Jay’s Earth. It hadn’t taken the two speedsters long to fall back into their relationship and had taken even a less amount of time for Wally to propose. He had asked Caitlin to fill in as his best man and she had happily agreed. 

She glanced at her watch.

“We need to go now if we’re driving to the church,” she murmured and Barry unwound his arms from around her waist and turned her around.

“Have I told you how radiant you look, Cait?” Barry asked softly and she blushed.

“You don’t look so bad yourself, Barry,” she replied and he kissed her on the forehead gently before interlocking their fingers.

“Let’s go,” he murmured. The made their way out of their apartment and down to her car (he still refused to buy one), and Barry got into the driver’s seat with her in the passenger. They made the short drive to the church, where the rest of the family and wedding congregation was going to meet them. It was a beautiful service. Wally only shed a few tears, something Caitlin would remind him fondly of, and Caitlin herself didn’t do too bad as substitute best man. Jesse was simply breath taking but occasionally, Caitlin felt a pair of eyes on her and would glance up to see Barry smiling at her. She returned the smile every time before paying attention to the minister. 

Once the actual ceremony was over, the intimate group of friends and family waited for the bride and groom to return to the hall they had rented out for the reception. Barry and Caitlin were sitting at the table, talking softly after the married couple arrived and had their first dance. She laughed at something he said before she felt a soft tap on her shoulder and looked up.

“May I have this dance, Ms. Snow?” Wally asked with a light smile and she returned it before standing up.

“I thought you’d never ask,” she replied and allowed him to twirl her into the middle of the dance room, with Barry taking Jesse’s hand and sharing a dance between them, as well. Caitlin placed her hands on   
Wally’s shoulders and smiled as she took in the scene before her. Everyone was smiling and chatting happily, some dancing, others not. She felt completely at peace and reveled in that. She glanced at Wally as he cleared his throat.

“I’m really proud of you, you know?” Wally asked quietly and she smiled.

“I think I do know that, but it’s nice to hear regardless,” she replied softly. He laughed.

“You’ve come such a long way from where you were last year, and that’s all down to you,” he praised her.

“And a few good friends and boyfriend,” she reminded him but he shook his head.

“No, you,” he reiterated. “We may have helped you along but you were the one who ran the distance.” 

She thought over his words before smiling.

“Thanks, Wally,” she murmured as a new song started. Barry cut in at that point.

“I think your wife would like to dance with you again and I’d like to share a dance with my girlfriend,” Barry said and Wally laughed.

“Of course,” he replied before gently letting go of Caitlin. She kissed him on the cheek and he mouthed “proud of you” one last time before going over to Jesse. Caitlin placed one hand in Barry’s and the other on his shoulder and the couple began to sway to the music. She leaned her head onto his chest and sighed contentedly.

“Penny for your thoughts, sweetheart?” Barry asked quietly and she thought it over, as the music provided a gentle background for them.

“I’m just thinking about how far we’ve come,” she murmured and he squeezed her hand gently.

“You’ve come far,” he stated and she shook her head.

“No, we all have,” she reiterated and he hummed.

“I believe you’re right, sweetheart,” he agreed. They continued to dance, holding onto each other gently, as if they’d rather not be holding onto anyone or anything else. She spent the rest of the night in his arms, laughing as they danced. When her feet grew tired from the heels she had worn, he picked her up and walked her back to their table, where they sat together, watching the rest of the wedding party. Caitlin let out a peal of laughter at Cisco’s dancing with Iris and Barry shook his head.

“Some things never change,” he muttered with a laugh and Caitlin nodded.

Nothing more needed to be said between the two of them as they enjoyed the rest of their night. When the wedding ended four hours later, they drove back home, enjoying the quiet of the night. Once inside their apartment, they made their way to bed, wrapping each other securely in their arms. Barry placed a kiss on her forehead, then the corner of her mouth, finally landing on her lips. She sighed contentedly before she drifted off to sleep. Everything was as it should be. 

Author’s note: Might do an epilogue, not sure yet. Thanks for all who have followed this story with me! Hope you have enjoyed it!


	19. Chapter 19

Epilogue

"So, Caitlin, you've been in therapy for about two years now. How do you feel like your progress has come along?" Carol asked and Barry squeezed her hand gently while giving her an encouraging smile. Caitlin smiled in response.

"Well, I'm no longer afraid of anyone in my life. Or, myself for that matter," she replied, thinking over all of the progress she had made in the last two years.

"What else?" Carol prompted.

"I no longer wake up after two hours of sleep, wrenching myself from the grips of a terrifying nightmare; I think that's the biggest sign of the progress I can have," Caitlin continued and Carol smiled before looking through her notes.

"How's your depression?" Carol asked gently and Caitlin thought over the question for a moment.

"Do I still have it? Sure. However, I get better at combatting it every day. That's the interesting thing about depression; I don't think it ever fully goes away but you learn how to challenge it so it doesn't end up controlling you," Caitlin murmured.

"I think you're absolutely right, Caitlin, and the fact that you can sit across from me and tell me that means you've made leaps and bounds of progress," Carol praised and Caitlin was flushed with pride. The rest of the session was spent with Caitlin, Barry, and Carol analyzing the next stage of Caitlin's recovery and what would be most likely the next hurdles she had to get over. By the time the session ended, Caitlin was left feeling tired but happy, something Barry picked up on. He interlocked their fingers and rubbed soothing circles into the back of her hand.

"Chinese and bed?" Barry asked softly and Caitlin hummed her approval. They made her way to her car and got in, with Caitlin in the driver's seat and Barry occupying the passengers'. The drive back to their apartment was spent with light chatter and laughter, leaving Caitlin feeling at peace with the world. She kept glancing at the ring on her left ring finger and smiled.

Barry had proposed about two weeks ago and, of course, she said yes immediately. He had done it in the most interesting way; he had put the ring in her box of orange chicken and she had nearly swallowed the damn thing. When she realized what it was, she stared at it for a moment, before saying yes. She hadn't even given him a chance to ask her properly, something he teased her about to no end.

They were planning for a winter wedding, something they had both immediately agreed on. She couldn't say why for certain, but she felt safer getting married in the winter; it was as if everything was aligning for her in that time.

Once they got home after picking up the Chinese, Caitlin and Barry ate, gentle conversation flowing between them. When they were through and thrown away all their trash, they made their way upstairs and to their bedroom. Caitlin kissed Barry gently, with him deepening the kiss. It wasn't too long before he was laying her down gently on the bed, making sure she was comfortable. Her heart soared as they molded into one and he took her to heights she never dreamed was possible. He watched her fondly as she came back down, smiling softly at her. He kissed her softly.

"Hey, Cait?" Barry asked quietly.

"Hmm?" Caitlin asked sleepily.

"I love you," he murmured.

"I love you, too," she replied. Then, as if it was the way it should have always been, they smiled softly at each other as they continued sharing lazy kisses, before eventually drifting off. Caitlin felt safe.


End file.
